THINKING OF MICE (24 years ago)

Women are supposed to sew clothes for their kids. That’s what I thought. I didn’t like to sew. I didn’t want to sew. But I was supposed to sew, especially since Aunt Dorothy had given me a sewing machine a long time ago, a sewing machine that would have been collecting dust if it weren’t tucked neatly into it’s case. In the closet. In the spare room. Behind a closed door.

I decided to make some pajamas for four-year-old Bentley. I bought seersucker fabric in a cute print—it would be cool for summer, I thought. But summer came and they still weren’t made. Bentley slept in large T-shirts. I don’t know why I didn’t think this was okay. I fretted about the pajamas all summer. Because I was supposed to sew.

Mom and Dad came up to see us in late July. “Why don’t you just get in and make them,” she said.

“I don’t know, Mom. You sew all the time. You like it. Every time I sew I end up giving the half finished, awful looking item to DI. I hate it. Why don’t you take the fabric home and make the jammies? You can give them to Bentley for his birthday.”

She thought that was a good idea and so did I. On his birthday there was a soft package wrapped with bright colored curly ribbons dripping off the top. Mom and Dad were anxiously watching him open the gift we all knew he’d love. He took the paper off and stood there. No emotion. Nothing. His eyes looked at the ceiling. I thought maybe he didn’t know what they were.

“They’re jammies,” I said.

The ceiling-looker said nothing.

I took them out of his hands, shook them out of their folded state and said, “See? Jammies,” They looked like they'd fit perfectly.

Nothing.

“Don’t you like them? Grandma made them just for you,” I said.

“I’m thinking of mice,” Bentley said in a quiet voice.

Everyone in the room leaned forward, even the kids, Trent, Taylor and Hillary. “What?” everyone said in unison.

“I’m thinking of mice.”

I looked at Mom. I could tell her feelings were a little bit hurt. “If you don’t like them I know a little boy in Annabella who would love them. Should I take them to him?”

Mother had used this tactic on me all my life. If there were something I didn’t like she threatened to give it away. It worked on me because I was probably selfish but Bentley knew what he liked and what he didn’t and he didn’t like those jammies.

“Okay,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders.

I never did find out what Mom did with the jammies. I didn’t want to remind her that her ungrateful grandson didn’t like her gift so I never mentioned them again.

“I’m thinking of mice,” has become Snyder family code for “I really don’t like this but I’m too polite to say so right to your face.” It hasn’t been used a lot, but enough. I’m thinking of mice right now, as I write this story that I really can’t do justice to.

A VACANT MIND

My mind is a blank. Nothing to say. Tired. Worried. A touch of sadness. Overwhelmed by the preparation that still is undone.

But...the living room is finally decorated, clean, beautiful. And you know why? Because our home teachers were coming today so we worked like mad to finish. They were impressed. If they had looked in the kitchen they would have seen all the huge Rubbermaid containers filled with tissue paper that wrapped the ornaments, etc. If they had looked downstairs they would have seen the stacks of magazines and books that I don't know what to do with. Why am I a packrat?

Tonight's dishes are still in the sink, if they had looked they would have seen them.

The spare room is filled with gifts still in bags. The goodies are mostly made but I have more caramels and another batch of fudge and those pesky Russian Teacakes to make more of so I guess the goodies are NOT almost made. All these goodies are not mailed to Aunt Dorothy yet. I better hurry.

We have 42 bags of caramels to deliver. I don't have all of the caramels made yet. I better hurry. I am going to tell people to put them in the freezer until March when there will be a caramel shortage.

A man in our ward is sick and in the hospital. I am worried about him.

My friend is in a care center and it looks like it's just not her physical health that is in trouble. She said some odd things to me while I was there the other day. I'm worried about her.

My daughter's sister-in-law, who is pregnant with twins may loose one. Or both. We fasted an prayed for her today. Please take just a moment and say a prayer for her. Heavenly Father knows who she is, you won't need her name. I am praying for a miracle. I am NOT worrying, I am holding positive, healthy thoughts for those babies that she and her husband want so very much. I want to see them born, healthy and normal. I want to hold them and coo over them and tell her they are the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. I am holding that picture in my mind.

Oh, my. So many heavy things on my mind tonight. I need to let them go, give them to the Savior. He said he will take them. The worries. The sadness. The hurts. The anxiety. He will take them all. I just need to let them go.