MEN DON'T GET IT

Yesterday we were both getting ready for church and of, course, I had misjudged how much I can get done in how much time--it takes me longer to fix things--like my face--so I don't scare small children and grown men don't faint at the sight, when Phil said, "Are you ready?"

"Almost," I said.

"How much 'almost more time' will it take you?"

I decided to shock him so I said, "I'm ready now!"

"Right," he said. "Do you have to get a drink of water? Put perfume on? Brush your teeth? Go to the bathroom? Paint your fingernails? Put your shoes on? Fuss with your hair one more time? Change your shoes because that pair looks better than this pair with that outfit? Put on your jewelry?"

So help me, I don't mean to put things off but some Sundays I look at my fingernails (as I'm practically going out the door) and there they are, one or two are chipped, even though the nail polish says, "Non chip." So I say, "wait just a minute," and I dash back in the house and dab fingernail polish on the offending nails and, honestly, it's things like this that drives Phil crazy.

Or I say, "Wait just a minute, I need a drink of water," or "I can't find my perfume." More crazy for poor Phil.

One day I went to church with eye makeup on only one eye, and I made him bring me home. He couldn't understand why. A man who can't understand why a woman wouldn't go anywhere with eye makeup on only one eye can't understand a lot of things.

I started to say, "Just a minute, I need to..." and then I looked at his smug face. I knew he wouldn't understand the need to remove the toenail polish that was smudged on my big toe. He knew I wasn't ready to go out the door, and he was baiting me.

So, I said, "I'm ready now," even though there was the big toe smudgy polish that needed to be removed, and I really needed a drink of water, and I didn't have perfume on yet, and I probably would have gone to the bathroom (because even the grandchildren know that is my rule: go to the bathroom before you leave the house!). If he didn't have that smug face I would have taken care of all those things and we would still have been on time for church.

As it was we were the fourth and fifth people there. The organist wasn't even playing the prelude music yet.

So, I visited with the second and third people there, and then, as other people came in, I visited with them too, and I just barely made it back to my seat before church officially started.

And my friends looked at my smudgy big toe and said, "there, there." Women really understood the truly important things in life and know that there are a an infinite number of things a woman has to do before leaving the house.

I don't think men will ever understand. And that's why men are so smug and yet they wear the same suit and tie 25 weeks out of the year and women are sometimes late for things, like church, but always have a different outfit on, with matching fingernail polish, and coordinating jewelry. And we smell good.

WHAT DOES A HUSBAND DO...?

Q. What does a husband do when he sits on the lawn swings, stands up, and finds his behind is very wet (because the lawn swing hadn't dried out completely from the last rain)?

A. He went into the house, plugged in my hair dryer and stuck it DOWN HIS PANTS!

Nice.

THE ABC'S OF GRATITUDE--H THROUGH K

H--Holy Ghost. I am so grateful that I know He exists, that I know He will never fail. I have had so many "whisperings" that have been warnings, comfort, witnesses of truth, uneasiness at falseness, and even tiny little things like, "go check the soup" two minutes before it was going to boil over. His whispering once saved Gilmore Girl's life. His whispering once saved The Brown Dot from freezing cold in the middle of the night--maybe saved his life, too. He is involved in my life daily and I am grateful I have this knowledge.

I--Ice Cream. I'm grateful I don't like it much. One of the few calorie laden things I don't want to eat. Let's hear it for not wanting to eat ice cream!

J--Jesus. I don't understand how it was done but I know He atoned for my sins and the sins of every human being. As I love my parents--who are gone--how grateful I am for the knowledge that I will be reunited with them--as I love my husband and children, probably more than any of them will ever know, I know, without a shadow of a doubt that Jesus loves more than I ever can. He loves all, not just the good, the pretty, the smart, the ones with good fashion sense. He not only loves me--and everyone else--but he experienced all my fears, pains, disappointments, tragedies, sorrows, etc. He KNOWS how I feel and he is there to give me comfort and acceptance. What a great gift he offers. I'm takin' it, I can tell you.

K--Kids. Not the goat kind. The human kind. Without them this world would be so empty. I am grateful that Heavenly Father let me raise five of them. Each one was/is different. Each one is cherished by Phil and me. I love the sound of children's voices--well, except when they are screaming. Their sing-song-ing up and down voices, how unique that sound is. Some lisp and we are just a little bit sorry when they learn to speak properly. They say hilarious things, do hilarious things, love without motives, forgive almost instantly and throw themselves into life with joy. I wish I had the confidence I had when I was a little child. All children are born with confidence and then they learn fear. So, I'm grateful for kids and for their confidence and pure love and hope this world always has a plethora of them.

Also, it seem to me that when children are born with handicaps that they don't seem to feel sorry for themselves. Adults rant and rail if something happens to them to diminish their abilities but kids seem to take it in their stride. They must have special spirits to be given disabilities and to make the most of what they can do.

A friend of mine saw a child at a doctor's office that had the most debilitating handicap imaginable. He was cheerful and happy. I doubt that he will grow up to be bitter and sad. I think he will grow up to be a great human being and my friend will never forget him. She is a better person for observing his attitude and I am also, for simply hearing about him.

SOME EXCELLENT THINGS

1. A young man from a Podunk town in Oregon who is scared to death, but has come to Provo to go to BYU anyway. I hope he does well.

2. Going to the movies--Kung Fu Panda today--with some of my excellent grandkids. Very cute movie and very cute kids.

3. Remembering that Gilmore Girl used to call our Oriental acupuncturist Kung Pao Chicken.

4. Having a story already written for my personal history group and not having to stay up late writing.

5. Having email friends. One is on the run for stealing two steak knives thirty years ago when he was just a young sprout--I've vowed I don't know him but I don't know...if I'm put under the lights I may fess up. Another email friend decided instead of thinking of all the things she wants to change she will think of some things that are excellent as they are. She is the inspiration for this post. Still another email friend sends encouraging words--even from where the deer and the antelope play. She would know that because she's been on the range and everywhere else that her husband, Columbus can drive. And my erratic emailing daughter, Gilmore Girl who will not write a blog and only sends me pithy one-liner emails and I have to call her a Cheeky Monkey. There's a lot of that Cheeky Monkey-ness going around this week, it seems. And last, but not least, a funny friend from the land up north who walked into a pole one day and has never been the same, which is all right by me because she is funny and optimistic and hard working and did I mention funny?

6. Having a husband who eats forty-'leven times a day and stays at his pre-marriage weight. It gives me someone to grumble about and, as we all know, everyone feels better after a good grumble. Thank you Honey for the reason I feel better forty-'leven times a day, multiplied by 365 plus one for leap year.

7. Sleep.

8. Cold weather today, but only if it gets hot again tomorrow.

9. Rain.

10. Toenail polish, which will soon be covered up with socks but it will be there, all winter, anyway. And fingernail polish too, which I am wearing every day for a month until I get sick of having to re-do my nails every two days.

That's it for today. Ten excellent things that I don't need to worry about trying to change.

QUOTE FOR TODAY: LOVE

"Love is finding that the things you like best about yourself are not in you at all, but in the person who completes you" — Orson Scott Card (Sarah: Women of Genesis)

CALLING HOME IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAY.

Last week at church, in our marriage and family relations class, our teacher said something like, "I try to always remember to call my wife in the middle of the day and tell her I love her."

Good grief, man. Don't you know you wife is busy in the middle of the day? Here are some of the things she is doing"

Changing the diaper--Oh, no, I have to stop in the middle of this and hope I can reach the phone without the baby flipping onto the floor or peeing on the wall .

Food preparation--Oh, no. I have to wash my hands but if I do that I'll miss that call so I'll swipe them with a paper towel and then wipe them on my pants. And then, for the rest of the day, bits of pant-debris will peel off her pants like tiny food cigars.

Watching Oprah or Rachael Ray or other important TV shows for a FEW, VERY FEW MINUTES and the phone rings during some time other than commercials--Oh, no. just when I was going to find out how to achieve world peace or how to make a great dinner in 20 minutes.

Lying in a heap somewhere for ten minutes while the children are miraculously napping or otherwise engaged when the phone rings--Oh, no. I was almost asleep for eleven seconds.

She then drags herself off the couch and answers the phone and fakes a cheerful voice and says some lie like, "Oh, honey, how nice of you to call."

As soon as she hangs up the baby cries or one of the kids flushes a toy or the last bit of her perfume down the toilet and her hope for more than eleven seconds of rest for the day are GONE.

In the middle of some household task the phone rings: Oh, no. Who could that be. She never gets back to the task and when hubby gets home and the laundry is still in a messy pile on the couch he looks at her like she is a slacker and vows never to call with loving words again.

Do yourself a favor, men. Before you leave the house give her a hug and tell her you love her and then tell her to think of somewhere she'd like to go for date night on Friday and call it good. Then, when you get home put an apron on and say, "What can I do to help?"

She will adore you until all the days of your life and a whole lot longer.

Now that will lead to a great marriage and a great relationship.

Trust me.