MEN DON'T GET IT

Yesterday we were both getting ready for church and of, course, I had misjudged how much I can get done in how much time--it takes me longer to fix things--like my face--so I don't scare small children and grown men don't faint at the sight, when Phil said, "Are you ready?"

"Almost," I said.

"How much 'almost more time' will it take you?"

I decided to shock him so I said, "I'm ready now!"

"Right," he said. "Do you have to get a drink of water? Put perfume on? Brush your teeth? Go to the bathroom? Paint your fingernails? Put your shoes on? Fuss with your hair one more time? Change your shoes because that pair looks better than this pair with that outfit? Put on your jewelry?"

So help me, I don't mean to put things off but some Sundays I look at my fingernails (as I'm practically going out the door) and there they are, one or two are chipped, even though the nail polish says, "Non chip." So I say, "wait just a minute," and I dash back in the house and dab fingernail polish on the offending nails and, honestly, it's things like this that drives Phil crazy.

Or I say, "Wait just a minute, I need a drink of water," or "I can't find my perfume." More crazy for poor Phil.

One day I went to church with eye makeup on only one eye, and I made him bring me home. He couldn't understand why. A man who can't understand why a woman wouldn't go anywhere with eye makeup on only one eye can't understand a lot of things.

I started to say, "Just a minute, I need to..." and then I looked at his smug face. I knew he wouldn't understand the need to remove the toenail polish that was smudged on my big toe. He knew I wasn't ready to go out the door, and he was baiting me.

So, I said, "I'm ready now," even though there was the big toe smudgy polish that needed to be removed, and I really needed a drink of water, and I didn't have perfume on yet, and I probably would have gone to the bathroom (because even the grandchildren know that is my rule: go to the bathroom before you leave the house!). If he didn't have that smug face I would have taken care of all those things and we would still have been on time for church.

As it was we were the fourth and fifth people there. The organist wasn't even playing the prelude music yet.

So, I visited with the second and third people there, and then, as other people came in, I visited with them too, and I just barely made it back to my seat before church officially started.

And my friends looked at my smudgy big toe and said, "there, there." Women really understood the truly important things in life and know that there are a an infinite number of things a woman has to do before leaving the house.

I don't think men will ever understand. And that's why men are so smug and yet they wear the same suit and tie 25 weeks out of the year and women are sometimes late for things, like church, but always have a different outfit on, with matching fingernail polish, and coordinating jewelry. And we smell good.

WHAT'S YOUR PASSION?

This week I'm working on a chapter--for my YA novel--that I have simply titled "Passion."

Did you know what you were passionate about when you were twelve? Are they the same things that they are now?

My obvious passions are my religion and my family. Here are some minor ones:

THE STORY. It's always about the story and has always been so. Even commercials on TV have a story. My favorite is the Arby's "last day of school" one where the faculty is just as happy to be out of school as the kids and they all end up at Arby's. I have it recorded and watch it several times in a row. It cheers me up.

PLUCKING MY WHISKERS STRAY EYEBROWS: They shall not live.

FINGERNAIL POLISH: On September 1st I will have worn it every day for a year.

THE COMPUTER: I can read the story, compose the story, and keep in touch with my friends. Not Facebook. Not Twitter. Just email, which I love.

SLEEP: I just need to get some earlier.

LUNCH OUT WITH FRIENDS: Where I hear their stories and tell them mine.

MOVIES: Again, the story. And the popcorn.

CLEAN HANDS, CLEAN FACE: Repentance for the soul, soap for the face. And my daughter-in-law's lavender lotion, which I put it on my face and then put my hands to my nose and breathe deep for a full minute. Then I go to sleep happy.

That's enough for tonight.

What are your passions?

IS IT NONSTOP NUDE OR PINK PASSION?

I have a new favorite brand of fingernail polish. (Yes, this is going to be a boring post. Click off and go do something interesting, and then report back. I may want to do it too.) I have a love/hate relationship with it. I love it because it stays on and really doesn't chip--"Sally Hansen NO CHIP 10 Day Nail Color." I hate it because it takes forever to dry and so I smudge it. Also, one coat is not enough but if you put the second coat on too early it NEVER dries and you mess all the fingernails up. Also, for some reason, an hour after I put a coat on, bubbles appear. It's freaky. Then, I have to start over.

So, I put on one coat tonight and will do the other one in the morning. And then, since I have places to go and things to do, I'll probably have to start over because of the smudging thing.

And I only have two bottles of the stuff. One color I love and the other I don't love so much, or at all. And, of course, I don't remember which is which. So, I going with Nonstop Nude and hope I'm right. (It's on the right. Not that you care, but still.)

And I can already see I have a problem. Two nails have too much polish on the tips--so they probably won't dry properly and one nail doesn't have enough anywhere. But I can't add more or....

Oh, who the heck cares?

Go to bed, friends. Or go eat breakfast. Or clean something. Or do some office work. Or go to the movies. Or get a B12 shot. Or something. I vote for the B12 shot. That's what I'm going to do in the morning.

But right now I'm going to bed after watching "House" so I can see that there is a room for every cantankerous fool in the world and so there is probably room for me.

THINGS I DO WHILE WAITING FOR MY COMPUTER TO GET OVER ITS TANTRUMS

I pluck various hair in various spots on my face. They are black. They have no right to grow there. They must go. “I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows." (Janette Barber)

I sigh.

I paint my nails.

I press Alt-Tab.

Because I pressed Alt-Tab, in a sloppy angry way, I have to repaint my nails.

I drum my fingers on the keys.

I floss my teeth.

I get up and clean the cat box, thinking that by the time I get back the computer will be over its temper tantrum. Usually it is still holding its breath.

Because I cleaned the cat box with wet nails, I repaint.

I watch a rerun of "House."

After House has saved the person from leprosy or some other interesting disease I come back, and if the computer is functioning I have forgotten the story--email--blog and then I sigh and complain.

And then I go to bed. It is 1:00 AM. Or maybe 2:00.

THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE!

58 words

Typingtest

But I was typing with wet fingernails because my fingernail polish was chipped and I can't go to church with chipped fingernail polish so I am using that as an excuse for my poor performance. But I'm not as vain and my cute friend who goes to lengths to not speak to acquaintances in the morning when she's naked--as in naked face--but is Miss Charming in the afternoon when she's all put together. See here. It's so funny.

Sorry Shawn, but it is! And did you notice I gave your link a color that you wore on Friday--or as close as I could get? I knew it would be important to you, yes, we must coordinate everything and tweeze and spray and powder and gloss and lengthen and color and suck it all up--that's only me, the "sucking it all up part." And, if times get really bad, we must lipo and botox and go under the knife. Well, maybe not. But then again, maybe so.

Thank goodness we know this life isn't all there is and the next one we will be in our perfected state and I can tell you some of us--coughmecough--are counting on it. And hoping for faster type speeds, too.

PS I just retook this test with almost dry nails and got a score of 74. Better, but not good enough. I will be taking this again, I'm sure.

IT'S A MYSTERY

Today, Phil was sound asleep in the chair when the doorbell rang. Kramer, of course exploded with barks. The doorbell and Kramer's barking woke Phil with a start. When he got to the door there was a pretty, blond woman holding flowers. For me! She said she loved my blog. Can you imagine that? Phil thinks he knows who it was but wasn't sure because of his "barked-awakness-stupor." I've got to do some investigation so I can tell her thanks. Until then, it's a mystery.

What woman doesn't want flowers? They are so beautiful! Thanks to my anonymous flower giver. All of a sudden there is an ax in my living room. Why? It's a mystery. I asked Phil and he just looked mysterious.

Why is the potpourri on the piano? It's a mystery. Oh, yes, I remember now. Kramer scatters it all over the place. Why he does this is a mystery.

Why is my fingernail stuff all around the computer monitor? It's a mystery. I think it's my attempt to multi-task.

Why is it that it takes all day to eat one grapefruit and only a few minutes to eat a piece of cake--Costco chocolate cake? It's a mystery.

And why are my Christmas dishes still out in February? It's a mystery. The word procrastination comes to mind but I'm claiming mysteriousness instead. Who doesn't want to be mysterious?

SIX WORDS FOR NAIL POLISH AND REMOVER

Paint it on, swipe it off.

THINNING FINGERNAIL POLISH

"You Make Me Vroom," nail polish. What is it with fingernail polish, anyway? You use one third of the bottle and it becomes so thick that it's unusable. I asked Gilmore Girl for the solution. She's my "all-things-girlie-guru."

"Mix some fingernail polish remover in the polish to thin it," she said.

Now I ask you, does this make sense? Polish and polish remover. Opposites, right? Polish to coat the nail. Remover to take the polish off.

Puzzling.

Left: Nail polish before adding polish remover--thick and clumpy. Right: After adding polish remover--thinner, easier to use.

PS And my polish isn't even called polish. It's called "Nail Lacquer." I wouldn't mind being polished, but lacquered? I'm not sure. Then again, I don't particularly want to be removed either. It's a puzzle.

And these are the weighty things on my mind. Yes, I know it was the Presidential Debate tonight. I watched it, while fiddling with my fingernail polish. It seems the candidates are so concerned with being polished themselves that they forget about the remover. Perhaps the remover will be in the American hearts. I wonder what it would be like to send the whole lot of them to an empty island in the great blue ocean, dump about a thousand random people there, and let the candidates figure out how to run things, starting with nothing? I'd like to see the island economy in about a year or so.

SOME EXCELLENT THINGS

1. A young man from a Podunk town in Oregon who is scared to death, but has come to Provo to go to BYU anyway. I hope he does well.

2. Going to the movies--Kung Fu Panda today--with some of my excellent grandkids. Very cute movie and very cute kids.

3. Remembering that Gilmore Girl used to call our Oriental acupuncturist Kung Pao Chicken.

4. Having a story already written for my personal history group and not having to stay up late writing.

5. Having email friends. One is on the run for stealing two steak knives thirty years ago when he was just a young sprout--I've vowed I don't know him but I don't know...if I'm put under the lights I may fess up. Another email friend decided instead of thinking of all the things she wants to change she will think of some things that are excellent as they are. She is the inspiration for this post. Still another email friend sends encouraging words--even from where the deer and the antelope play. She would know that because she's been on the range and everywhere else that her husband, Columbus can drive. And my erratic emailing daughter, Gilmore Girl who will not write a blog and only sends me pithy one-liner emails and I have to call her a Cheeky Monkey. There's a lot of that Cheeky Monkey-ness going around this week, it seems. And last, but not least, a funny friend from the land up north who walked into a pole one day and has never been the same, which is all right by me because she is funny and optimistic and hard working and did I mention funny?

6. Having a husband who eats forty-'leven times a day and stays at his pre-marriage weight. It gives me someone to grumble about and, as we all know, everyone feels better after a good grumble. Thank you Honey for the reason I feel better forty-'leven times a day, multiplied by 365 plus one for leap year.

7. Sleep.

8. Cold weather today, but only if it gets hot again tomorrow.

9. Rain.

10. Toenail polish, which will soon be covered up with socks but it will be there, all winter, anyway. And fingernail polish too, which I am wearing every day for a month until I get sick of having to re-do my nails every two days.

That's it for today. Ten excellent things that I don't need to worry about trying to change.