PERSONAL HISTORY STORY--LONLINESS

I wrote this for personal history this week, forgetting that we had cancelled because everyone would be knee-deep in Thanksgiving preparations.

LONELINESS—written November 23, 2009

When I was a teenager, and wasn’t dating anyone special, I was lonely. How can you be lonely in a house with parents who loved you? I’m sure you all remember such times.

I remember one of those times with such clarity that I can feel the winter’s cold coming off the window in the east bedroom. I was kneeling on the king sized bed, watching the snow falling under the street light at the corner of Olive and Lloyd’s house.

Photo credit's here. I tried to register so I could borrow a photo

with no watermards but ran into a glitch. My apologies to the owner.

The snow was falling at a slant, and it was a brilliant white. I mentally saw myself walking into the bright snow. I could almost feel the snow hitting my face. I felt like the only person on the earth.

I watched my imaginary self, walking through the snow, and out into the dark, all bundled up in my green coat. That night, kneeling on the bed, I felt like I had no future and was maybe the last person on earth.

The house in Annabella has now been sold to my bestest cousin, Holly, who loves it more than I ever could. The east bedroom is redone in antiques. The king sized bed I knelt on is gone. Gone is the teenage girl with the unknown future.

Sometimes, now, in the still of a winter night, with the snow falling at a slant through the streetlight on my cul-de-sac in Provo, I remember that girl I was. I want to comfort her, and tell her things will be better.


Today, in two separate emails these messages came. I wish I could have read them to her, so long ago. I wish she would have listened, as her breath made frost patterns on the window. I wish she could have seen the girl she imagined, lifting her face to the sky. I want to see her fling her arms wide and turn in circles, delighting in the knowledge that nothing bad stays forever and that her future would be bright.

And, even saying that, I hope I will remember this advice, for my day to day life right now. And I hope you will too.


Email #1:
One day it will all be a distant memory, Lynne, yet I can tell you now, with the supreme confidence of someone who's gone ahead in time to know, that you'll look back on this life and be so flush with love and admiration for yourself, your journey, and who it made you, that you'll wonder, as I do now, how it could possibly have escaped you then. Maybe this will help.

Your greater-self,
The Universe


Email #2:
Sunday Will Come “Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays.

“But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come.

“No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, in this life or the next, Sunday will come.” (Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Dark Friday, Bright Sunday," New Era, Mar. 2008, 4 )

PS I still have that coat, just in case there is one day no heat on the earth. There is actually a knitted insert inside and it weighs so much it's a chore to walk in it. Whoever wears that green coat will really be alone because they will be the last person on the earth to freeze to death.

DAY THREE--WRITERS AND ILLUSTRATORS FOR YOUNG READERS AT BYU

Today was a short day, thank goodness. I may get to bed before midnight or shortly after. I just finished two assignments and re-wrote a story called, "The Pooka," for tomorrow or Friday's reading. I hope it is tomorrow because if it is Friday I will edit it one more time and have to copy it all over again.

I am only going to put a couple of non-writing related things people said today that are interesting.

The most irresponsible or craziest person has all the power in a relationship. For instance: The person who is always late. When you realize that, you can take the power back.

Teenagers: They have to pull away from parents to become adults so they have to come up with reasons why they hate their parents. You might hear them say, "I never want to be like that. I never want to look like that." They may live in the same town but the parents never hear from them. They are completing the process of separation.

An amazing description from Sally Warner's new book, IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY: "...puzzle pieces of snow."

That's it for tonight.

ARE WE AMBULANCE CHASERS?

There were sirens tonight that sounded like they stopped in our neighborhood. We got in the car to go see who was in trouble. There were so many sirens I thought perhaps there was a group heart attack.

It was the first fire of the season, up a little canyon about a half mile away. Too early in the season for fires. Some years are really bad here, forest fires, fires right in town from kids playing with matches or fireworks, fires on the mountains, which are so close. Fires in little canyons, which are abundant right here in town.

Deer live in these canyons. There are homes above the canyons, homes below the canyons and deer wandering through the neighborhood. Years ago the deer stayed in the mountains but now there are small groups of deer all around us, year round.

As soon as we found a group of people congregated on the sidewalk we stopped for the "scoop." It was one of the women in my writer's critique group, her husband and her mom and sister--who are visiting from Idaho. I was so happy to meet them. The mom, who raised this remarkable woman, said, "She just came good. I never had to do a thing."

Amazing! Truly amazing. I am so jealous, both of the remarkable woman who "came good" and of the mom who raised her.

I was not an easy teenager to raise. I am so sorry, Mom. You always told me, "What goes around, comes around." I have paid, I think. And yet I would not trade any of my children, who were not so easy either, for anything in the world. They are wonderful people.

Well, this post didn't exactly go where I thought it would but I'm glad it did. Mother's Day is coming and I'd give anything to be able to apologize to my angel mother. I'd like to tell her how much I adore her. I would say something like, "See, Mom, I've turned out all right." And then I would get one of her wonderful hugs. Oh, how I would love one of her hugs.

She loved me. She still loves me. I think she watches over me, too. So, I will say, "I love you, Mom," occasionally, right out loud just in case.

I ENTERED A CONTEST AT LAUGHING ALL THE WAY

I am supposed to say I have entered a contest at Laughing Always Helps in a post called My Very First Blog Contest!!! The prize is some kind of organizer, which I certainly need. But, do not go there and read my comment because it's embarassing. But, then again, I was a teenager and the boy did deserve what he got.

I'll write my regular blog later. Right now I must go see what on earth Bentley and Tricia are up to. I think it involves tasty treats, about 8, two liter bottles of pop and games for bringing in the New Year.