UNNECESSARY HUMANITARIAN SERVICE

I have a friend who is out of town and has left her outside cats to fend for themselves. I started to worry about them so I filled a bag with our cat's favorite cat food and went down to see how the furry beasts were doing.

I shouldn't have worried. My friend is nothing if not kind to her kitties and every other kitty that might happen along--she adopts stray cats like other people adopt attitudes. Their food bowl was only slightly dipped into. When I emptied my offering into the dent it overflowed.

They had water too, but, being the person I am, I thought I'd give them fresh water. On the way to the outside tap I dumped their water out. Big mistake. Sampson, or perhaps it was Hercules, had turned the tap off. I struggled, I even made appropriate grunting noises. Neighbors a block away looked up to see if a Saint Bernard was constipated.

I gave up and went around front to turn that tap on. Horrors! It had no turner-on-er. Sampson, or perhaps Hercules, had removed it. I know not why. At this point I was muttering, "And I had to dump the water out!"

I pulled my sweater down over my hand to get a better grip on the back yard faucet turner-on-er and Tyrannosaurus Rex made bathroom noises. I couldn't help it, it was either that or go home for water.

Finally the water came on. Now I know why Sampson, or perhaps Hercules, turned the water off so tightly. It sprays all over the place, right out of the turner-on-er. Which means I was wet from the knees down. But the cats had to have water so I persevered. By the time my pants were dripping I had their water bowl filled.

I turned the water off. It dripped. I made more obscene noises and gripped tighter. It dripped. I pulled my sweater sleeve over my hand and called on the gods of strength, vim and vitality and ex-lax, just in case. By the time my sleeve was dripping, the water was off.

I hope the cats appreciate me. I gave them food they didn't need. I gave them water they didn't need and I disgraced myself in several noisy and wet ways.

But that's what I do. Humanitarian service that doesn't need to be done. Someone should send me chocolate.