LOVELY LISA TELLS US HOW TO DO IT RIGHT

Tonight was a Relief Society mid week activity, Lovely Lisa told us how to get control of our homes, our clutter, or schedules, our paper--that multiplies every time the lights go out, our children and how to get them to clean the house really fast, and probably how to make pie crust, I'm not sure. But, she did tell us how to get organized and have a beautiful home. If I'm not mistaken it can be summarized in two points.

Point one: Just do it already.

Point two: Throw it out, you have too many already and don't need another one. Unless it's shoes. Every woman alive (and dead) knows that already, so really her instructions can be boiled down into those four words in point one: Putonsomelouddancemusicanddancethroughlife while cleaningreallyfast. Three words.

I would go to Lisa's class if she were naming the stars, not by names, just by number. She is not only joyously funny, she's also joyously efficient and joyously beautiful. That stops me right there. Anyone who is joyously beautiful, who's teeth give that diamond sparkle every time she smiles, who walk--if not actually on water--an inch or two below the surface just because she loves to kick the waves and it cools her off--although in Utah at this moment no one needs cooling off--we have another two feet of snow in the mountain and I am still wearing sweaters, luckily, because I seem to have put off The Diet--whatever that is--yet another week...anyway, anyone who is this sizzling perfect must, must, must have a flaw somewhere. I intend to find it and then I will say, "Well, at least I don't have that annoying freckle like Lisa!" Yup, that's what I intend to do. I'm pretty sure I've seen an annoying freckle on joyous Lisa.

Other than that, Girl of a thousand qualities, 999 of them perfect and that one annoying freckle, she is truly a peach of a girl and I love her.

Say what? That annoying freckle is a crumb of chocolate cake that adorable Margaret left behind (see second, third and tenth photo here) when she kissed her adorable mother?

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it, and maybe I'll dance to the music and maybe I'll clean really fast and maybe I'll throw twenty things out every day.

PS If you want a recap of all of Lisa's information it's on her blog, start with her March 16th post titled Practical Ideas to Cleaning (Try 'em out) and go forward.

PPS Looking at Lisa's blog I realize she's not so much adorable, but awesome--like Niagara Falls.

PPPS Her husband blogs here.

LOSING IT--IF NOT THE WEIGHT, OUR MINDS

That is the title of the blog a friend and I want to start but neither one knows how to start one where two people can post. In fact, I can't even figure out how to start a new one, period. I'm blaming being sick with a cold on my stupidity but in fact, I may just be stupid. I've figured out how to start blogs three times before, so what's up? If you say something about a "senior moment" I will never speak to you again. I mean it.

We've joined Weight Watchers. We're hungry. I think I only used 18 of my points today because suffering (not silently) with the drippy, sneezy cold, fixing dinner was beyond me. I wanted someone to cater to me. Half a can of chili was as close as it got.

Here's a place where you can see the point value of foods. I've made the link red in honor of the "no points" value of the grape tomatoes I bought at Buy Low today--three pounds for $1.29. I think if you ate three pounds of tomatoes there should be some points, don't you? There's a flaw somewhere there.

I ate 8 or 12 tomatoes--I can't remember which--and I dunked them in ranch dressing--the full fat kind--mixed with apple cider vinegar. I'm still puckering.

Anyway, if you are a member of Weight Watchers send ideas for things to eat. Send web sites with recipes. I don't know how often I can eat chili and tomatoes dunked in puckery stuff.

PS You know that scale at the top of this post? That's our STARTING weight. Hahahahaha. (A little diet humor. We're laughing to keep from crying.)

ALL IN FAVOR OF "SPOILING DINNER" RAISE YOUR HANDS

One of my sisters had eight kids. I know. Insane. But she was a saint and could handle eight. One day they were at Mom's and were hungry. They were wolfing down soda crackers. (That's what we called "saltines" in the dark ages.) Anyway, Mom (their Grandma) said, "Don't eat those crackers, it will spoil your dinner!"

My sister looked at the eight kids and said, "Go ahead. Eat the crackers. We should be so lucky they would spoil your dinner."

Now, my question is: Is there a magic food product--like soda crackers...okay, saltines--that would spoil people's dinner? And if so, why isn't the diet industry marketing it? And why don't I have some of it in my kitchen/purse/desk drawer? And do you think it would be a chocolate repelant?

If anyone knows of such a product, then why haven't you told me about it already?!

FOILED BY THE MISSING SOUP

I am trying to eat better--and eat less--so I can loose a pesky eight hundred and eighty-eight pounds--more or less--and not have to be have a wall of the house sawed off and then be have to be carried away on a flat bed truck.

I went to lunch at Applebee's with Gilmore Girl and Tuesday and ate too much or maybe just the wrong kinds of things. Bacon should not have been eaten by an eight hundred and eighty-eight pound housebound woman who has a flat bed truck and a chain saw on stand-by.

Bacon. Surely on the top of the "bad-for-you-food," list, followed closely by a mayonnaise sandwich--I have a cousin who says he loooves a good mayonnaise sandwich and a friend who said she does too, but she one up's him, she adds potato chips to hers. That girl knows how to par-tay.

But she has nothing on the creativity of Americans, bless their struggling artery clogged hearts. Here are some foods people actually eat:

Battered, deep fried Twinkies.


Bacon, cheddar cheeseburger sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. This actually has it's own name--a Luther Burger.



Chili cheese fries, topped with ranch dressing, just for fun.

Stuffed crust, double decker pizza with extra cheese and a variety of meats with nitrates. (Speaking of meats with nitrates we will NOT be mentioning J-Dawgs, no-sir-ee.)

Anything Guy Fieri--of "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" on the Food Network, eats. I'm not kidding. The stuff he eats on that show would kill anyone. Today he ate a soup made of cow hooves and cow stomachs. Usually he eats concoctions of meat, cheese, cream, and gravy and it usually involves deep frying. Although I did see him eat a strawberry once. I have just a tiny little crush on him--don't tell. He's weird but he grows on you and he does so enjoy his deep fried, melty cheese, gravy covered food. I hope he doesn't die.

Soda followed by a drink that is even worse, diet soda.

Anything made with canola oil. Don't write me letters about this, I have my reasons.

Anything microwaved. Hey, did I say don't write me letters? Okay, you can write me letters. I love letters. I crave letters. Just don't say the words "canola oil" or "microwave oven" in them. Use words like, "cute" and "delightful" and "skinny." You don't have to be talking about me, just throw those words in as fillers.

So, today after the bacon-at-Applebee's-fiasco I was going to eat Kale and Bean Soup and a stack of carrots for dinner. Phil fixed leftovers for himself and then left for BYU to do some clerk stuff for the BYU Ward before Sunday. I was on the lawn swings, chatting with friends. When I came in to eat dinner there was only a tiny bit of soup left and Phil had left a hunk of leftover lasagna RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN WHERE IT CALLED MY NAME. Disgusting, lasagna, calling my name like that. So, did I stick my fingers in my ears? No. I ate it. And many other things that were not on my list. And now I am sitting here with regrets.

Does that ever happen to you? Lasagna calls your name because the soup was all gone? There ought to be a law.

Wait. Did you hear that? It sounded like a chain saw and a flat bed truck, revving it's motor. Maybe if we're really, really quiet they won't know we're here.

SIX WORDS FOR A NEW DIET AID

Almost-patented product for sneaky dieters.

A CLEVER DIET AID

Do you have trouble sticking on a diet? Are you always opening the freezer for just one spoonful of ice cream or to see if the last Doves ice cream bar is still where you hid it behind the chopped broccoli?

Well, my friend has found the answer. Simply put a large object, in this case a honeydew melon......on top of the freezer, right in the crack where the door meets the freezer and when you open the door to sneak a tasty treat you will get a melon on the head. You will not soon forget this handy diet aid.

The next time you try to sneak in the freezer, you, like Pavlov's dogs, will drool and then you will remember the conk on the head and you will leave the freezer door closed and go away and dust something or file something or watch the Olympics.

Success will be yours.

My friend is so clever. She should patent the idea.