REALLY?

1. Phil and I were in Costco late this afternoon. "Shouldn't we get a chicken?" he asked.

Getting a roasted chicken is the highlight of Phil's life. Well, almost. Getting a Costco chicken means I won't have to cook dinner so it's a win-win. So we got a chicken, and then we went into the fruit and veggies room. We had been in there maybe five seconds when he said, "Hurry!"

"Why?" I asked.

"Because, he said, with a worried look on his face, "my chicken is cooling off."

Really, Phil.


2. I was in the living room, talking on the phone with Hillary, tonight.

"Maddy (age 11) was going swimming with Bailey today," Hillary said. "A huge thunderstorm came up and Maddy came in the living room and threw herself on the couch in despair. Face down."

"Face down, Mom," she said. "What am I going to do with her?"

"You better watch her," I said. "You know what happened to Elizabeth when puberty hit?"

All during this conversation Elizabeth was downstairs, with the TV on. Obviously she has excellent eavesdropping capabilities.

"What?" she yelled. "What did I do?"

Then she got on the phone and said, "In my defense, I am sweet and lovely." Hillary and I were speechless. "Sweet and lovely," Elizabeth continued, "With bouts of naughtiness."

Really, Elizabeth, bouts of naughtiness?


3. One day when Liza (age 11) was here, she was sitting on the couch and had her feet up. The bottoms of her socks were so worn out you could see her feet through the weave.

"Liza," Hillary said, "nice socks."

"Thanks," Liza said, "They're breezy!"

Which sounds like a good thing to me. Somebody ought to market socks that way. Breezy socks. Really. Liza should get royalties. Really, she should.


4. Hillary told me that last night Maddy had a glass of water and a glass of milk at dinner. She took a drink of her milk, pulled a horrible face and said, "Ugh, milk. What a horrible surprise."

"What a horrible surprise," is now a by word in their house. I think that phrase can be used for lots of situations. It's kind of like the word "Interesting." Sometimes it means interesting and sometimes it means interesting! Know what I mean? I'm sure you have had some interesting things happen in your life, and so have I. Really.


5. Hillary and I continued talking. How we got on this subject I don't know.

"I hate the word 'beloved'", she said.

"You do? Even when it refers to Jesus?"

"Yes," she said, "and I hate the word 'gorgeous,' too."

Now that this is published on my blog, if any of her siblings read it--which is unlikely--they will have the perfect ammunition for getting her goat. They will probably tell her they think that one of the reasons Jesus was beloved was because he was gorgeous.

I hope this isn't sacrilegious, talking about Jesus this way. Really, I hope it isn't.


6. Which reminds me, Trent was always good at "getting people's goats." He probably still is, he has seven children to use as victims. When he was still living home, one day he was teasing one of the kids (I can't remember which one) Whoever it was came running to me, tattling.

"He's got your goat," I replied.

Whereupon the child turned around, marched back to Trent and yelled, "Give my goat back."

"He gets your goat all the time." I said. "He has a whole herd of them by now."

"Give them back!" the child yelled.

"Where will you keep them?" Trent asked. "A whole herd of goats is a lot to take care of."

"They can live in the back yard and eat grass," the child said.

Now one begins to wonder, did that child really think Trent had real goats? And then I wonder, no, I'm sure of it, they must take after Phil's side of the family.

Really.

THE GARAGE SALE PURCHASE

Yesterday Gilmore Girl and I went to Costco. Well, we started for Costco. We saw a garage sale sign and thought a little detour wouldn't hurt. And then we saw another sign, this time advertising furniture. That won't hurt either, we thought. An hour and a half later (or maybe it was two hours) we left the second one.

I didn't take one stinkin' photo. What is the matter with me? (Don't answer, I don't want to know.)

The people who run the garage sale buy things at other garage sales and refurbish them. They paint most things black, white, red or teal. Really, darling stuff. They hold a garage sale three times a year. The next one will be in October. Watch for it at 56 something something Canyon Road in Provo, Utah. It's almost to the end of Canyon Road, before the Peay Ranch.

I saw a chair I wanted. I sat in it after I tired of waiting for Gilmore Girl. It was comfy. I left it there because I didn't want a divorce have enough chairs in the garage already.


I did make one purchase. Two purchases. Ten cents each.

I am the last of the big time spenders.

We never did make it to Costco. And Gilmore Girl had to do some creative things with a bungee cord to get her sticking-out-of-the-trunk purchases home. Really cute things. Except there was no darlingest-ever chair.

SHOPPING AT COSTCO or A CART FULL OF WOE

The kids were here Monday evening through early Wednesday evening. Barely 48 hours. They went to Costco with Phil. Twice. I did not go. I am the lone voice of reason. This shopping trip is typical. It was in May.

Actually, there is one other voice or reason. She was outnumbered. She wanted soy milk. That was all. Just some soy milk.

"We can go now. Mission accomplished."

"But lookit! Peanut butter."
"And, lookit. Chips!"
"We do not need chips," said the voice of reason.

"But, they are Kettle Chips. I'm pretty sure that means they are special."
Look at the cart. Does it look like the voice of reason is winning?
"Oh, no. What has he found now?"

She speeds ahead. She must stop disaster.
It was too late. Disaster was piled high. Do you see one fruit or vegetable there? Me neither.

And that is how ALL trips to Costco end. You would be better off just walking by the door and throwing twenty dollar bills at them. At least you wouldn't have a bunch of junk...do you see the Oreos? And the chips? Chips of all kinds? Some chips are even masquerading as veggies. Veggie chips. Right.

The score: Costco one hundred and fifty-five. The voice of reason zero.

PS I hate to admit this but I am not actually the voice of reason. The Sun Chips were my purchase and probably other junk food too.

AN ODD SATURDAY

We dashed to the mall this morning for a last minute item because I didn't want to get caught in what we got caught in yesterday--twenty minutes to drive two miles OR LESS. It may have been six blocks but I don't want to say six blocks in case you'd say to yourself, "That exaggerator!" But, really, I think it was six blocks. It may have been four.

Phil waited in the car, I dashed into Bath and Body and bought what I needed and then had buyer's remorse. "They can exchange it if they don't like it," the sales girl said.

I got to the car and Phil got out to open my door. "Smell this, I said. I gave him my left sleeve. "Now smell this." My right sleeve. "And this." My right wrist. "Which one do you like best?"

"The left sleeve."

"Aaugh, I knew it. I have to go back!"

"Could we conduct this conversation somewhere other than in a blizzard?" he asked in a somewhat patient voice. "And if they don't like it they can exchange it."

I got in the car. "And you know what else?" I said. "A man paid full price for ONE lotion--that's $10.50. For $15 more he could have four more items just like it because they are on sale five for $25. The sales girl told him but he said, 'no, I just need this one item for my wife' and then HE BOUGHT A GIFT CERTIFICATE FOR HER AND SHE WILL PAY FULL PRICE. Men are obviously not bargain hunters."

Phil's eyes glazed over. I could almost hear his internal talk, "She talks too much, just like those TV talk shows."

We drove home and I said, "I just need to dash into Day's Thriftway to pick up two items. You can stay in the car if you want, I'll be right back." He knew better. He came in. I bought 23 items. It took 22 minutes.

"We need to go to Costco," I said. "I forgot something."

"WHAT?"

His eyes had lost all glaze. Costco is right next to the mall. His eyes would have glazed over again but he needed them to drive. We dashed into Costco to buy a See's Candy certificate and then back to the mall to pick up the candy. No wonder the roads are congested. They are full of woman who forget to buy See's Candy certificates.

"If this keeps up we're going to have to buy more gas," Phil said. I remembered the price of gas. I didn't tell him I forgot something at Day's Thriftway. I'll pick it up Monday when he's in the shower.

At a stop light the back window of a car in front of us rolled down. A dog stuck his head out the window and barked twice. He pulled his head back in the car and then back out. One more bark. Back in the car. The window rolled up. The light turned green and the car drove off, perhaps to roll it's window down to let the dog bark again, at stop lights down the road.

Phil delivered our neighborhood gifts this afternoon while I drove the car. He got inside when he got too cold to function. "It's nice in here," he said. "It's warm. There is Christmas music on the radio." He sighed and held his hands up to the heater. I rolled my eyes. I sympathized, I really did but sometimes a good eye-roll is satisfying .

At Janna's house she came out to thank me. "How is your hand," she asked. (This is an injury I have from wrapping caramels. I know you are scoffing but really, it is. My last marathon wrapping session was 500 caramels and when I was finished my thumb joint was throbbing.)

"It hurts, not all the time but right now it does."

She asked me to show her where, and then she took my hand and kissed it, right on the hurt. Her unexpected kindness made my eyes fill with tears.

"No one has kissed a boo-boo since my mom died," I said.

"How long has she been gone?"

"Twenty years, Elizabeth wasn't even born yet. Mom didn't know she was coming. Neither did I."

She got a mischievous gleam in her eye. "Aha," she said. "You thought Phil got you pregnant but it was really your Mom's doing."

We laughed and talked some more and then Phil was at the end of the street, turning blue so I went to pick him up.

When we got home I started to make Catalina Dressing. I got exactly two ingredients mixed and then the house gremlins took the recipe and, four hours later, I still haven't found it. Phil was on the computer, getting his lesson for his Sunday School class and I knew not to ask to use the computer to go to my cookbook file and make a copy--when he's in his getting-a-lesson-mode he is V-E-R-Y focused. I improvised and it was good but as I look at the recipe it needed more vinegar and more spices.

Then I fixed dinner with canned spaghetti sauce, not half as good as my homemade sauce--which I see I haven't posted yet on my cookbook blog--or half as good as Cindy's sauce either. We were starving and in the confusion I put a spoonful of Catalina dressing on my spaghetti along with two scoops of sauce. And you know what? It improved the sauce. So, Phil followed suit and we ate spaghetti with salad dressing.

As I am sitting here I am thinking about my conversation with Janna. Maybe Mom did bring Elizabeth here to me, after all.

And that was a nice thought to end the day with. That and warm pumpkin bread--just delivered by Tammie--and a cup of hot chocolate, in the new Christmas mug brought to me by Maisel.

The day was odd but I have friends who love me and a very patient husband and what more could a girl ask for?