TRIALS

We hate them--trials--and yet they are necessary. We can't appreciate the good without the bad. I wanted to say "without the evil" but evil is such a...well, evil word.

I remember the night I was going to pray for every single family in our neighborhood. It was daunting. I got to exactly six houses when I realized that if I prayed for everyone I would be on my knees--or leaning on the bed, because of my bad knees--all night--perhaps even for days. Everyone had problems that seemed heartbreaking to me.

But there was one family that I couldn't find the trial for. I have often said to Phil, "They don't have a trial," and he would tell me "you just didn't know about it." Sadly, he was right. This week I found out and I was devastated. I love that family. Well, actually I love all of my neighbors and am devastated about their trials but this one kind of involved me too. It kind of involved everyone in our neighborhood. We are all hurting. Hurting and praying for this family but hurting for ourselves too.

And then, just tonight, I realized that every one of my neighbor's/friend's trials involve me because I know them. Because I love them. Because I recognize who they really are.

Now I ask a question...can my sharing the hurt, the humiliation, the fear--insert any number of hurtful words here--make a difference? Can my worrying, prayers, and well wishes, make a difference or not?

I remember in the beginning of one of my trials I wanted to run home to Momma, although she had died the year before. I wanted to mentally run home and thought of physically running home too, to Daddy. He wouldn't have known what to do with me but I was seriously thinking about it. And then I confessed this to one of my friends. Perhaps I was feeling her out, thinking she would give me words of confirmation. Instead she drew herself up to her full height, and in a "mind me!" sort of voice said, "Oh no you won't. You will stay right here where your support system is."

How can you deny that force? I stayed. And, indeed, my friends rallied around and made my life easier. And since we have been through that time together nothing will ever, EVER break that bond of friendship.

I don't know if my friends with the new, raw trial, will run home to "Momma"-wherever that might be--or if they will stay here where their support group is. I hope they will stay so we can heal together. I pray for it. I hope they are brave and have the common sense like I did--well, I didn't have the common sense but my friend did. Do you think if I said, "Oh no you won't!" that will sway their decision?

In the mean time, I will pray for them and for my hurting and everyone else's. Together we can heal, and in the healing we will be stronger. We will be one.

SIX WORDS FOR ADDICTED TO LOVE

Disclaimer or maybe it's just a "claimer": Gilmore Girl and her friend, I forget who--sorry Hillary's friend--said they don't get my "six words," but Tierney, who is smarter than a pod of dolphins, and we all know dolphins are smarter than most humans, says she does get my six words so I will continue. So here's today's six words so you don't have to read the entire post below.

Love. Hurt. Realize God loves completely.

I HURT SOMEONE'S FEELINGS YESTERDAY

Oh joy, how did this happen? I hurt someone's feelings yesterday. I asked her to do something. I was supposed to say, "What do you think about this idea?"

I think people take offence to easily. Why did such a little thing bother this woman and that she came to my house to tell me so. She must be really, really peeved at me.

What should I do?

I've apologized. Twice. The second apology is in a letter that will be mailed tomorrow. I talked to Phil about it and he gave me some words of comfort. The next person I need to talk to is Heavenly Father. I hope she was comforted too but I worry.

And I'll tell you what else. I'm weary of people taking offence when none was given. I can't tell you the amount of times I have decided that relationships were more important than supposed offence. I've learned that a thick skin is a desirable fashion statement.

It took me a while to come to this position. When I was a teenager I took offence easily and was the one who was hurt in the long run. I'll give you one example--I could give you another one but it still hurts, my stupidity was overwhelming and I never made it right. A relationship was lost. In fact, because one relationship was lost, more were lost, too. It was my fault and I have no way of undoing it. I think of this person often and wish we were still friends.

Here's the one I will tell you about. I was corresponding with a girl who lived in Alaska. She was older than me, so articulate, had beautiful penmanship, was funny and wise and was all things that I was not. One day she said something like, "I've overspent. Do you want to make me a loan?" I took it personally, thinking she was really asking me for money, which, of course, wasn't true. I quit writing. What on earth was the matter with me?

She wrote and asked if she had offended me. I was so petty I wouldn't answer her letters.

I have missed her friendship all these years. I have grieved over this loss, too. I've tried to find her but so much time has gone by that I can't even remember her name. I remember her sister's name--Janet. They had relatives in Annabella, I can't remember who the relative was--I'm thinking it might have been her grandma.

So, if you know someone who grew up in Anchorage, Alaska, who has a sister named Janet and has ties to Annabella, Utah please tell her I'm sorry I was such a thin-skinned fool and that I've missed her.

And then I'm going to go lick today's wounds and try to do better.