THE "POOP" CONVERSATION

"Oh, no," I said. "Kramer pooped on the floor."

"Where," Phil said.

"By the computer."

"Wow, I could have stepped in it."

I wrapped the poop in tissues--it was fairly fresh--you get all the nitty-gritty details here, folks. Then I took it upstairs because Phil was going to bed and wanted to have family prayer. But I continued on up the second set of stairs.

"Hey, where are you going?"

"To put the poop in the toilet. You think I was going to hold it while you prayed?"

"I didn't know you had it."

"You didn't think I'd leave it there did you?" Honestly, sometimes men can be so dense.

So I dumped and flushed and washed my hands and when I got to the living room Phil was deep in a conversation with Kramer--the Pooper. Maybe he was the Poopee, some grammar Nazi should let me know.

"Kramer, you must not poop in the house. If you have to 'go' while we are gone you must just be a big boy and hold it. Okay?"

Phil is sitting in the chair and Kramer is standing on his hind legs, with his front legs resting on Phil's leg. I swear, Kramer was smiling and nodding and saying, "Yes, yes, I'll do that. I'll hold it like a big dog." But then I can hear Kramer saying to himself, The carpet is as good a place as anywhere. The cats poop in the house. I think I should have equal rights.

But Phil has a believing heart and thinks that Kramer will obey.

I am a realist. Kramer will poop on the floor.

He poops outside if one of us says, "Do you want to go outside?" But, actually he really thinks we say, "Do you want to go outside so you can pounce on bugs and bark at that German Shepard." (That dog, which could eat Kramer in one gulp, by the way, is staying in the house behind us). Please, Powers-that-be, let that dog be a visitor or we will hear, "barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark," all winter. And then he will bark some more, in case that wasn't enough.

And then he will think his outside work is done.

And then he will come in the house and poop on the floor. I just know it.

KRAMER'S JAIL TIME ROOMMATE

I call Kramer the "Bad Barker." His mission in life is to sit by the front window and protect the neighborhood from everything, including leaves blown by the wind. In fact, he protects the neighborhood from the neighbors. He gets so upset he nearly tears the blinds off the windows. When he goes wild like that he has to have a time out. "Time-out," is the crate we use to take the cats to the Vet.

Kramer had lots of time out's today. When I went to let him out once, I saw an annoyed looking Pika in there. I knew I had put Kramer in there but he was nowhere to be found. And then...all of a sudden, he popped out! And nearly knocked me over getting out of there. Pika wasn't too happy about the whole episode either.

You'd think either she would quit having naps in there or he would quit barking so he didn't have to go to time out. Not so, they are both slow learners--just like so many of us.

I'm not naming names but SOMEONE hates stacks of paper that multiply like rabbits and yet...that someone keeps writing and running things off on the printer and copying recipes that someone has no intent of cooking/baking, etc. and the paper piles up. We should stuff it all in the Time-out box so Pika and Kramer would have something to read while they are waiting for their release.

HOW MUCH CLUTTER SHOULD A PERSON STAND?

For years I have been chucking papers in boxes next to the computer. Things like stories that had been work shopped and need to be fixed. Copies of church talks I'd run off and fully intended to read--I fully intended to study them, actually--and have great life-changing epiphanies. There were even grocery ads in there. Recipes. Post-it notes. Photos. Pictures I wanted to watercolor--an especially nice one of Michael's. All kinds of stuff was there. You name it, it was probably there.

Three weeks ago Phil took all these boxes upstairs and said, "Here!" His unspoken message was, "Get rid of this junk or I will be insane along with you." Two insane people are too much for one house so I started. and then I restarted. Then I became overwhelmed and I ran away. Then I came back because I am fond of sleeping on a bed instead of the lawn swings. And then I got down to business. And now the living room looks like this. That doesn't look too bad unless you live here. Even when I have only one working eye--you'd think I could only see half of it--but no, even a one eyed person can tell this is really bad. I am still overwhelmed.

The mess wasn't bad enough so...I decided to do something about pee-pee doggies odor. I scattered three cups of baking soda on the floors. Three cups in the family room and three cups in the living room. Have you ever scattered three cups of baking soda in a room? It goes everywhere. Every surface is covered, even though I was careful. If people had shoes out--coughElizabethandmecough--their shoes got covered. It looks like no one has dusted in three years and I make a point of dusting every year or so, honest I do.

So, tonight I made the youngest shoe-offender vacuum and now I am ignoring the piles in the living room and I am going to check things with the black light and use some kind of miracle liquid that guarantees to work on stains and odors. There are no stains, because years ago we picked a carpet color that looks like dirt. Or maybe it looked like something else way back when and now it looks like dirt. But...there are odors. And I intend to sleuth them out.

And I should clean up this clutter too but I just can't do it yet. It shows me that people love me and brought me cards and goodies on my birthday. Some even sang to me. I think this is nice clutter.

I have only two thank-you notes written.

Humm...maybe I should write thank you notes and leave the black light business until later. What do you think? Cleaning or thank you notes?

SPRING BLIZZARD IN UTAH

Spring in Utah is very unpredictable. My tulips and daffodils are coming up but yesterday they were covered. In snow.

Kramer was very interested in seeing if anyone would come down the street in blizzard so he could BARK-BARK-BARK! After the snow everything was covered.

And then today? Sunshine. That's life in Utah in the spring. It was so warm today I just wore a sweater when we went out. No pants or shoes and socks. Just a sweater. Phil is so understanding.

KRAMER GETS A BATH

This is how it all began. Kramer loving the back yard. Phil and Elizabeth cleaning up. It was too tempting.

Get me outta here!

Right after that he tumbled head over paws; Elizabeth caught him before he hit the halfway mark.

But, all that outdoor fun meant Kramer eventually needed a bath.

What's that water on for? Is it just for entertainment? Huh, huh? Just for show? That's it isn't it? Just for fun. I'm not goin' under that waterfall, am I?

This is not entertaining.

Every part is attended to. It's a bum deal for sure.

Feel better now? I don't know if he does or not, but he smells better.

THE CAT EATING PUMPKIN

Oh, lookie, the Great Pumpkin is back. I'll just smell him to make sure he's the real thing.I better smell everything, while I'm at it.Hey, did anyone over there see when the great pumpkin came back?

He brought Ghostie with him. I don't much like Ghostie, he's a cheerful sot, way too cheerful and stands way too tall. He annoys me in a ghostly, cheerful, tall, sort of way.Kramer, are you down there? The Great Pumpkin came back along with annoying Ghostie but you are not invited to the party. Ha! That's how much you know. I am the party. I am a party animal. You are just a squinty, annoying cat. I will not even look at you until you apologize for wearing my handsome, manly devil costume. See me ignoring you? See? Well, all-rightie-then, if you're going to be that way, see if I care. I'll just see what is in the pumpkin.

Oof! It's kind of a tight fit, but I can do it because I'm pretty. Not squinty! Pretty. And pretty darn flexible, too.

And then I turn around a few times and then some more. Aah! This is the perfect spot Until she starts to snore. It echoes. An echoing-snoring-cat-in-a-pumpkin is not any one's idea of great Halloween fun.

A snoring, Halloween-pumpkin-cat is enough to give Kramer the evil eye.

It's all fun and games around here.

BEWARE OF THE RED DEVIL

"My human put me in this disgusting costume and, if you don't mind, I don't want you looking at me." "Did you hear me? I said DON'T LOOK AT ME."

"Wait. Is that the doorbell. I have ta go now and defend the house from evil doorbell ringers. Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark."

"It was a false alarm. The doorbell was on some stupid TV show. And look at that fool, Pika who got tricked into wearing the costume. Hahahahahaha. I look manly. I look brave. She looks silly. She looks squinty. She needs to give that costume back."

"Wait! Is that the doorbell. Barkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbarkbark."

IT'S A MYSTERY

Today, Phil was sound asleep in the chair when the doorbell rang. Kramer, of course exploded with barks. The doorbell and Kramer's barking woke Phil with a start. When he got to the door there was a pretty, blond woman holding flowers. For me! She said she loved my blog. Can you imagine that? Phil thinks he knows who it was but wasn't sure because of his "barked-awakness-stupor." I've got to do some investigation so I can tell her thanks. Until then, it's a mystery.

What woman doesn't want flowers? They are so beautiful! Thanks to my anonymous flower giver. All of a sudden there is an ax in my living room. Why? It's a mystery. I asked Phil and he just looked mysterious.

Why is the potpourri on the piano? It's a mystery. Oh, yes, I remember now. Kramer scatters it all over the place. Why he does this is a mystery.

Why is my fingernail stuff all around the computer monitor? It's a mystery. I think it's my attempt to multi-task.

Why is it that it takes all day to eat one grapefruit and only a few minutes to eat a piece of cake--Costco chocolate cake? It's a mystery.

And why are my Christmas dishes still out in February? It's a mystery. The word procrastination comes to mind but I'm claiming mysteriousness instead. Who doesn't want to be mysterious?

SUNDAY'S "MORE FUN"

Sorry I didn't blog last night. I had blog-block. Here's yesterday's "More fun" post.

When I got to church yesterday I nearly broke a rib leaning across the passenger seat to lock the back door and the front door and then...with a little clown car humor...the doors unlocked. All of them. More leaning, more ribs protesting, more locking, more unlocking. And more. And more. I'm not sure, but I thought I heard a little muffled car laughter. "Muffled." Get it?

Kramer was on the piano last night. Yes, the piano.

The last sanctuary of the cats. Not on top of the piano, just on the covered keyboard part. I think the top of the piano, and the clerk, are about the only places he won't be able to reach. And hopefully on top of the kitchen table.

This is the clerk. (And yes, some of the Christmas decorations are still up.)

Here's a close-up of my little Laplander girl, Lizbet. You can see why I don't want her to be used as a chew toy.

Kramer's perch this morning, where he barks at...nothing. Oh joy.

The fun never stops.

AND I stepped on dog poo IN THE HOUSE this morning. (Holding my head in my hands. I don't want to talk about it.)

WHEN KRAMER GETS BORED

This morning this is what I found in the hall bathroom. More rug plucking and now the garbage violated.

Sigh.

And then, Kramer came downstairs and barked, barked, barked. I pulled up the blinds to see what he was barking at. Nothing. No car. No dog. No cat. No person. Nothing. "What are you barking at?"

He almost turned around to see me but not quite and then....

...he returned to his duties. Barking at nothing.Tonight he and Minkey had a go around. He festered Minkey. Minkey growled and hissed and finally Minkey had had enough and he chased Kramer, swatting at him and Kramer was delighted. Finally one of those hissy-fit cats will play!

And then Kramer ran into the TV and whacked his noggin and yipped. Minkey slunk away to a corner and had a good cat-laugh.

Kramer let me comfort him for two whole minutes.

Then he got down and sniffed all around and peed on the carpet.

The fun never stops.