PANIC

About five years ago I got sick in the summer. I don't remember what I had but after I got better I started having anxiety and then even mild panic attacks. I started searching the Internet. I subscribed to a newsletter from Panic Away. I haven't ordered the course because it's not nineteen-ninety-five and they don't give this spiel..."Wait! That's not all. We'll give you one free. That's two for the low price of one. Just $19.95."

Actually, I think it's reasonably priced--especially for people who have been in therapy/counseling for years and years--and one of these days I might order. Just not today. But, here's what I learned on the "Panic Away," site:

End Anxious Thoughts In 4 Easy Steps by just labeling the thought and not reacting. Four steps: Observe, Label, Watch, Move on. In other words don't try to put it out of your mind. When it comes--the panic-- observe it--don't run from it. Then give it a name--I'm afraid that "whatever will happen." Watch as it passes by with no judgment. And then move on your attention to whatever it was you were doing.

Phil and I were going to Beam Ray tonight. I had anxious thoughts. Usually I try to put it out of my mind but I decided to try this method tonight. It didn't work perfectly but it did work. Then on the ride home I started worrying and panicking about people that aren't even my responsibility. I did it again and turned it around, thinking that they are perfectly capable of solving their own problems.

Then I brought the Savior into the mix and the panic fled even faster.

I'm not saying I have this thing whipped. Far from it. But, in case you suffer like I do, go to Panic Away site and click on some of the topics. Exhaustion and anxiety is one. Gratitude lifts the weight of anxiety is another. These are some of the topics that come in his newsletter.

A couple of days ago a friend told me about a visit to a counselor. The counselor gave three bits of advice. One: Write down you hurts, anger, disappointment, depression, etc. Words written down loose their power. I can testify that this is true. Two: I can't remember number two. When I talk to this person and learn number two I'll put it in a new blog. Three: Keep a gratitude journal. A study was done at the University of Utah about gratitude journals. Students were asked to keep one for several months. After that time the students all had a more positive attitude about life, were able to handle stress better. I am going to do both. Actually, I do number one--sadly, infrequently--and I know it helps.

So, if you are anxious or have panic attacks check out this site. You can sign up for his newsletter too.

And, hey, let's get happy. Let's slay the panic dragon. We deserve to be free of this beast.

And I, simply once and forever, need to quit taking on other people's problems. They don't even know I do it and it's paralyzing me. I can love them, think about them, even worry a bit about them but I CAN'T take on their burdens. They will figure a way out of their own problems, my worry won't make one bit of difference. So, I'm going to let them have their own problems. And don't you do this behavior either, it's useless and paralyzes you.

ANGELS ATTEND ME

I haven't blogged in a long time. I haven't even looked at my dashboard so I don't know who else has blogged. I have been in a funk. Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's circumstances I'm dealing with. Maybe I am just so tired of this life, so tired of the struggle, the drama, the uncertainty that I didn't want it to rub off on anyone else.

I've been desperate for relief. My sister and brother-in-law gave me a blue light to help with the depression. I have sat in front of it three or four times in the morning. Today two angels came to my rescue. Colette and my daughter-in-law, Sharee.

Colette called me on the phone and we talked for a l-o-n-g time. She was concerned because I haven't blogged. I have never met Colette in real life. We email and I follow her blog. She has a kind and generous heart, not to mention a beautiful voice.

Sharee came over and did Reiki on me, bringing some relief. As much relief as the Rieki was the talk, she spent as much time as I needed. She reassured me and loved me and told me something that took a big chunk of my stress away. Angels, both of them, worrying about me, loving me, helping me.

I believe we are never actually alone. I believe we are always attended by someone, family, that has passed on. I really do believe this. I think Mom was here with me today (oh, how I miss my momma), but I can't crawl up on her lap like I did when I was five and tell her my worries and about my hurts. (For one thing, if she weren't dead already, my sitting on her lap would probably kill her. A little depression humor for ya'.) I would love to hear her say words of comfort and maybe even a timeline like, "This worry will be resolved in February, that one will be resolved in March." I don't know if our relatives have that information but if they did it would be so joyful to have a little reassurance.

Our last prophet, President Hinckley used to say something that everyone loved. He said, "Everything is going to be all right." He said this over and over. He was optimistic but he also had knowledge we don't. He said it, I believed it and yet what's the matter with me that I don't believe it enough to be comforted?

So, I'm blogging to just say I'm here. Healthy, except for the bad food I've practically inhaled over the holidays. I'm breathing in and out. I'm trying to be "up." Usually I can see the funny side of life and this will probably be funny, too, in a year.

I have a list I keep at the bottom of my personal history file. I call it: HOW TO COMBAT STRESS/DEPRESSION/HEARTACHE

I have 28 items on that list--or maybe 27 as I seem to have prayer listed twice. Tonight I am going to start with one of them and work my way through. I'm going to start with number 15: Journaling. Write the worst of it down. This is not necessarily a journal you will want anyone to ever read. There is something about writing it out that helps. It’s better if it’s hand written, there is something about physically moving the pen on paper that helps get rid of the fear, depression, sadness, etc. I’m not saying it’s foolproof but it does help.

And before that list are some quotes I've saved. These seem to be meant for me tonight. And Colette and Sharee were meant for me too. I honor both of them and am thankful they are in my life.

1. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. Your character will grow; your faith will increase. Richard G. Scott, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007, 9 (Don't tell, but Elder Scott is my favorite apostle. I have loved every conference talk he has ever given, and when I see him I feel loved, even though I am watching him on TV.)

2. We should honor the Savior’s declaration to “be of good cheer.” Matthew 14:27; Mark 6:50; John 16:33. Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007, 18

3. This is my prayer for all of us. 'Lord, increase our faith.' Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow. President Gordon B. Hinckley Panama City Panama Fireside, January 20, 1997.

So, I've got to hurry and journal all my worries because I need to get to bed at some kind of a reasonable hour because church starts at 9:00 am, as opposed to last year when it started at 1:00. That's enough to depress a night owl like me, isn't it? Wouldn't it be nice if that were all that's wrong with me?!

YOUR HUT IS ON FIRE

Do you ever feel like your life is in shambles? Me too.

Tonight on the PBS station Dr. Daniel Amen--book: Magnificent Mind at Any Age--is talking about depression, anxiety disorders, ADD, ADHD, changing your perception of a problem--just about everything that might be stressful in your life (except a non-functioning computer--I hope Santa reads this blog). I think I need to read his book--he is giving lots of help to overcome the negative and encourage the positive. He says these things will be life changing. he has a weekly email. Click here to subscribe.

Also, today I got the following email in the mail. You probably have seen it yourself. It comes around every so often. (Thank you, Terri). See what you think. I'm picturing my computer on fire along with other things on fire, too. My fatness, perhaps. Man, that fire should burn for years!

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IS YOUR HUT ON FIRE?

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here?' asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal,' they replied.

The Moral of This Story:

It's easy to get discouraged when things are going badly, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering... Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

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If you hut is on fire I hope the ship is just beyond the horizon and chugging toward your island at this very moment.

PS Here's just one of his suggestions: Write down five things you are grateful for. Meditate about them during the day--every day. This will increase your level of happiness in just three weeks. What have you got to loose? Make your list today. I'm going to do it, too.

PERSONAL HISTORY, HOMEMADE COOKIES, A MOVIE AND PHIL'S COMMENT--I LAUGHED OUT LOUD

I have been feeling down, ever since that phone call last week. I just can't shake it even though I've gone back and re-read the helpful comments people left me half a dozen times. One of them even made me laugh out loud. (I don't use the acronym "LOL." I love words and acronyms annoy me. Except for the acronym: B.O. I think it's hysterical, for some immature reason.)

Anyway, because I have been blue I wrote a melancholy piece for my personal history group today--I'll include it at the end. Tonight, darling Sarah brought me a bag of homemade cookies and a sweet note. Part of it said, "...I know we don't get together much outside of writing group, I don't get out much it seems. Yet, I think of you as one of my dearest friends. Have a wonderful evening, Sarah B."

How sweet is that? I am so lucky to be included in the list of Sarah's friends. She is an amazing woman in more ways than I will ever be. I treasure her friendship.

Later, Phil and I watched "The Last Holiday." Truly a grade B movie but I am known for loving grade B movies and I did.

"You what?" Phil asked. "You loved that movie? That's why you are depressed!"

Another laugh out louder.

Here's today's personal history piece. Maybe now I can let the blues have a rest.

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THE CHURCH KEY—written August 25, 2008--I was about seventeen when this occurred.

I put the tiny diary key in the old lock and gently turned it. When I heard a click, I pushed. The door opened a half-inch, looking over my shoulder I slipped inside and leaned against the door as it closed. I felt the tiny key with wonder. How had it worked?

The moonlight didn’t reach our side of the chapel. I slid into the pew we usually sat in. I came with questions but didn’t know what to ask. I could hear the dark. It was a different sound than any other darkness-sound I had ever heard.

In the summer the dark had a cricket sound, a dog-barking-far-off sound. In the fall the dark often had a dried-leaves-rustling sound from the Virginia Creeper that covered the side of our house. In the winter, when it was snowing, there was a depth-of-stillness sound. I had knelt on my bed dozens of times and watched the snow sifting down, sometimes drifting sideways under the street lamp. Sounds were muffled when it snowed. The dark had dozens of sounds but this was a new one for me—a dark-empty-chapel sound.

I sat. Alone. More alone than I ever had been before, except for maybe a time or two on the mountain, but then it was just a without-people-around type of alone. This time it was complete aloneness. The only sound I heard was the ticking of the pendulum clock.

I knew that the painting of Jesus was at the far end of the chapel. He was sitting on the edge of a well, with robust children gathered around. It didn’t matter where you were in the chapel; his happy eyes seemed to be looking at you. I knew his eyes were watching me, even in the dark. I knew He loved me but my loneliness overrode the comfort.

I wanted someone right there, someone who believed in me, even though I didn’t believe in myself. Someone who could have told me I was all right, that my life would be fine. I wanted someone to sit with me and listen to my fears and insecurities and hold my hand as I sat in the chapel, filled with the silence of the dark.

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Perhaps everyone who wades through this long post has felt like this. Alone. Troubled. Sad. I hope tonight isn't one of those times, but if it is, I want you to know you are important and that you are loved.

And may you watch a grade B movie and laugh out loud.

SIX WORDS FOR DEPRESSING TROUBLES

Mamma Mia--what a bunch of trouble.

OTHER PEOPLE'S TROUBLES TROUBLE ME

Why is this? When I hear that other people are having problems such as loss of job, worries, problems with ill health or worries over their children or other family members I become depressed. I worry and fret and wring my hands.

Tonight I got a phone call. The person on the other end told me about problem after problem and by the time I hung up I was so low I could have won a limbo contest.

This person didn't even like Mamma Mia--they saw the bad language and the refrences to past sins and walked out of the movie in protest. I loved the movie. I saw all the funny parts, the love this woman had for her daughter, the love the daughter had for her mom. Now, this phone call has ruined the movie for me. I should have seen all the bad parts, maybe. Am I too nieve? Am I wrong to gloss over the bad parts and focus on the tender, loving parts? And the funny parts, well, maybe the phone call just can't ruin it after all. I will go again and see the funny parts and the loving parts and not listen to the bad words. But then again, am I supporting a movie that should have had higher standards? Should I have walked out in a huff?

Phil can't understand why I allow other people's opinions and their problems to affect me.

"Can you do anything about it?" he asked.

"No," I said.

"Then why do you let it bother you?"

"I don't know, it just does."

Does anyone have an answer for this? Some trick that will relieve me of this unnecessary, depressing worry?

A couple of months ago one of the women who writes a blog I check on started on her history. I really admire this woman but I couldn't read it. She lived through it, and is still fine and perking but I couldn't read the trials she had gone through. I became so depressed. What's the matter with me?

A few days ago Phil read an article out of the newspaper out loud to me. It was about how the Chinese have been so underhanded with so many areas of the Olympics, starting with the little girl that was going to sing in the Opening Exercises but because of her poor teeth they brought in a "pretty child" who just mouthed the words that the other girl sang. It took much of the joy out of watching the Olympics. Every Chinese participant I see I wonder, what did you have to give up to be here? Your family? Your freedom to choose whether you wanted to do this or not? Did you have to wear adult diapers to practice the Opening Exercises because no one gave you bathroom time? Did you loose ten pounds because no one fed you or gave you any thing to drink and you didn't get to sleep for two days? What is the matter with people that the image is more important than the people?

And then, when the age of the Chinese girl gymnasts became suspicious I wondered why this is so important that lying and cheating has to be involved. The whole world is involved in lying and cheating. Don't we remember who we are? Doesn't any of our divine heritage shine in us? And because I like Mamma Mia maybe my divine heritage is being stomped to dust too.

I won't even start on politics. I'll just say if I see either candidate on TV I click the mute button. Their accusations, their slander and ridicule sickens me. At times I feel like I'd rather be led by a chicken. Or a goat, maybe.

Other than living in a cave, which, obviously I can't do, what do you suggest? Does anyone else deal with this? And if you do and have conquered the blues and the sadness please tell me how.

I realize this blog has wandered all over the place. I'm sorry I couldn't stick to one subject and be succinct. I just had to talk all this stuff out. I should have written it out in longhand, it would have dissipated easier that way.

I'm okay now, don't worry about me. Our neighbors came over. They laughed and joked and we talked for over a half hour and then I got a hug from the Mom part of this couple and I felt better.

My angels sent them, I'm sure of it. If they hadn't I would have called someone I secretly call my "All is Well," friend. She always knows what to say to make me fell better. I hope you have both. An "All is Well" friend and loving angels who are watching over you. Well, I know you have the latter, you just might not realize it.