OUR KIDS WERE HERE FOR A WHOLE TWELVE HOURS

It's Lord Bumhampton's birthday this month. He and Nurse Giggleswich really like the comic, Brian Regan. When ever they are here they sit side by side and watch "You Tube" clips of Regan and laugh at things like his his Dora-the-explorah, routine or the Greeting Cards one. Their laughter makes me laugh and pretty soon we are all scrunched together on the couch, watching and laughing.

I love those times. They are the stuff that makes all the dreary winter days or the hot, sweltering summer days worth the wait until they come again. So when Phil and I saw that Brian Regan was coming to Thanksgiving Point we bought tickets for them as his birthday gift.

Our tickets were for last night.

The weather was perfect. The 65 foot waterfall was turned off. How about that, being able to turn off a 65 foot waterfall?

There were a few interesting characters there. One, a grown man in an orange, crushed velvet cape--I kid you not--full length. One woman wore white short, shorts that were--ahem--kind of see through. She wore nothing underneath. That's more information than you wanted to know, I know. Sorry. It was more than I wanted to see, too. But most of the people were normal, there were a lot of them. We sat behind the sidewalk so we could see the whole parade of interesting people before the show started. I sat in Lord Bumhanpton's chair so Nurse Giggleswitch could coach me on Sudoku.
She does the puzzles in pen. I have to erase because I kept saying, "Oh, no. I have two three's." I said that a lot. I also said, "Oh, no. I have two fours."

She is the champion. She is focused.

I am not. I have unfocusness syndrome. I'm pretty sure of it. Maybe you too have a problem but couldn't quite put your finger on what it is. Now you can give it a name: Unfocusness. I'm happy to help you out with this diagnosis for absolutely no charge.
While Nurse Giggleswich taught me the finer points of Sudoku Lord Bumhampton and Phil discussed world events. Actually I don't know what they discussed. It could have been snacks for all I know.

Here are our kids, being focused on the pre-show.

Which seems a million miles away but the sound was fantastic and we didn't mind. Being on the fringes also gave us the opportunity to make a quick getaway after the show was over. But we got off track, following a bunch of people who also made a quick getaway and we had to walk through a hedge, but don't tell anyone, okay? We might be arrested for hedge violation.

Here I am suffering from bad hair and Phil is suffering from short-chair syndrome.

The show was very funny and sitting outdoors was wonderful. Brian Regan will have a one hour special on Comedy Central this fall and is making his 20th appearance on David Letterman. One good part, well, apart from his insane funniness, is that his jokes are clean.

After the show we played Sudoku in the car, waiting our turn to get out of the parking lot--that was a 45 minute walk away form the venue. Not really, it just seemed like it.

While we were waiting we were behind a car with two people in love. How could we tell? They used the time wisely, kissing. The show was almost as good as Brian Regan's. We all remembered those days and then we sighed and went back to our Sudoku puzzles. I said, "Oh, no. I have two fives."

We got home late and everyone ended up in the kitchen looking for snacks and then off to bed but not for very long, for the kids. They had to get up at 3:00 so Nurse Giggleswich could drop Lord Bumhampton at the airport for an early flight. They were here almost exactly twelve hours. I wanted to wake up when they left so I could yell goodbye and throw kisses from the window but, alas, I slept through their departure. I'm blaming it on my unfocusness--sleeping when I should have been letting the kids know I already missed them.

THE CHAIR FAIRY

Several years ago, when I was anticipating that we were going to have Thanksgiving dinner here, I went to a Trunk Sale at Thanksgiving Point just to see if they might have something irresistible that I could use. A Trunk Sale is like a Garage Sale but people bring things in their cars and, in some cases, had backed up and opened the trunks to show their wares. We walked around--my daughters and daughters-in-law--and soon I spied something I anticipated we were going to need. Chairs! Sturdy ones.

My daughter's comment, "What will Dad say," deterred me not one bit. I bargained--well, I'd like to say I bargained but in reality I probably just happily paid the price the owners asked. Ten dollars, for two. When we got home and unloaded I put them right against the garage door, out of sight of the front windows.

"What are you going to do about Dad?" Hillary asked.

"After Dad goes to bed I'll sneak them into the back of the garage. When we need them for Thanksgiving he'll be glad."

"Right," Hillary said.

"He will," I said. "He really will."

She just shook her head, got in her car and drove away, waving with a little smirk on her face. A smirk that clearly said she didn't have much faith that her dad was going to be glad. She thought he was going to say something like, "More junk!"

It's not junk, I thought to myself. And he WILL be glad. I know it.

That was the last I thought of the chairs and my clever plan. The next day, when Phil brought in the mail, he also brought in an attitude.

"What is in front of the garage?" he said, in a not-quite-normal voice.

Great, I thought. I forgot all about them. And what a dumb question. Anybody can see they are chairs.

"Chairs."

"I CAN SEE THEY ARE CHAIRS?! AND WHERE DID THE CHAIRS COME FROM?"

"The Chair Fairy brought them." How clever I was to think of such an amusing answer right on the spot. I smiled.

That was a mistake.

"THE CHAIR FAIRY? THE CHAIR FAIRY?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOU BLOOMIN' MIND? WE DON'T NEED MORE JUNK IN THE"--he didn't say a four letter word but I know he wanted to--"GARAGE. WE DON'T NEED MORE STUPID CHAIRS. ARE YOU CRAZY?"

Now how do you answer a question like that? No, not crazy. I am clever and thinking of the future. And besides that, chairs don't have the capacity to be stupid. I thought I might point that out to him but one look at his face made me decide against it. I shrugged. Another mistake.

Have you ever seen someone with fire coming out of their eyes? It's a real experience. Everyone should experience that at least once.

He had a few more choice things to say, but by that time I was overwhelmed by all his non-appreciation of my good bargain and of my clever "chair fairy" comment and all I heard was "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

Finally I said--in my most humble voice, "I'll take them back."

Now, I knew I couldn't take them back but I figured I'd find someone to donate them to. Anything to get out of having to hear "blah, blah, blah." And being expected to come up with an answer to, "Was I crazy?" one more time.

Well, the end of the story is that he calmed down--after about three weeks--and the chairs reside in the garage with the other chairs I've bought at garage sales--those I successfully snuck into the garage and could say, "Oh, those chairs? I bought them ages ago." Some times the things you bought "ages ago" deflates the frustration that husbands might have over frivolous purchases. Not that any of my chairs have been frivolous purchases, mind you.

The last time we had a family dinner here I overheard Phil say to one of the boys, "Here, sit on this chair,"--one of the Chair Fairy chairs--"they're nice and sturdy."

I wanted to say something but didn't. No sense in reminding him that I was right and he was wrong. As long as one of us knows it, that's enough.