Yesterday we were both getting ready for church and of, course, I had misjudged how much I can get done in how much time--it takes me longer to fix things--like my face--so I don't scare small children and grown men don't faint at the sight, when Phil said, "Are you ready?"
"Almost," I said.
"How much 'almost more time' will it take you?"
I decided to shock him so I said, "I'm ready now!"
"Right," he said. "Do you have to get a drink of water? Put perfume on? Brush your teeth? Go to the bathroom? Paint your fingernails? Put your shoes on? Fuss with your hair one more time? Change your shoes because that pair looks better than this pair with that outfit? Put on your jewelry?"
So help me, I don't mean to put things off but some Sundays I look at my fingernails (as I'm practically going out the door) and there they are, one or two are chipped, even though the nail polish says, "Non chip." So I say, "wait just a minute," and I dash back in the house and dab fingernail polish on the offending nails and, honestly, it's things like this that drives Phil crazy.
Or I say, "Wait just a minute, I need a drink of water," or "I can't find my perfume." More crazy for poor Phil.
One day I went to church with eye makeup on only one eye, and I made him bring me home. He couldn't understand why. A man who can't understand why a woman wouldn't go anywhere with eye makeup on only one eye can't understand a lot of things.
I started to say, "Just a minute, I need to..." and then I looked at his smug face. I knew he wouldn't understand the need to remove the toenail polish that was smudged on my big toe. He knew I wasn't ready to go out the door, and he was baiting me.
So, I said, "I'm ready now," even though there was the big toe smudgy polish that needed to be removed, and I really needed a drink of water, and I didn't have perfume on yet, and I probably would have gone to the bathroom (because even the grandchildren know that is my rule: go to the bathroom before you leave the house!). If he didn't have that smug face I would have taken care of all those things and we would still have been on time for church.
As it was we were the fourth and fifth people there. The organist wasn't even playing the prelude music yet.
So, I visited with the second and third people there, and then, as other people came in, I visited with them too, and I just barely made it back to my seat before church officially started.
And my friends looked at my smudgy big toe and said, "there, there." Women really understood the truly important things in life and know that there are a an infinite number of things a woman has to do before leaving the house.
I don't think men will ever understand. And that's why men are so smug and yet they wear the same suit and tie 25 weeks out of the year and women are sometimes late for things, like church, but always have a different outfit on, with matching fingernail polish, and coordinating jewelry. And we smell good.