PHIL'S TAKE ON TALK SHOWS

Today I had Studio 5 on TV while I wrapped caramels. (Studio 5 is a local talk show, on Channel 5--KSL.)

I HAVE to figure out something ELSE to give the neighbors. This caramel wrapping is getting out of control. I can hardly look a caramel in the face.

A cute woman was making some kind of Christmas gifts/crafts. She and the hostess were discussing the "how-to's." They were perky. The women guests are usually perky--unless they are there to promote some kind of cause. Then they are serious and controlled. I've never seen a perky, controlled guest. There must be a rule.

"They sure talk a lot," Phil said.

"Well, she's explaining how to make things," I said.

That segment was over and someone came on talking about perfume and HER VERY FAVORITE ONE THAT SHE COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT and Phil talked right over her saying something like, "Do these people ever take a breath? They simply talk and talk and talk."

If I had been downstairs watching TV with the DVR--that I could back up, or even better, back up and then hit the record button--I wouldn't be peeved but I was in the kitchen with the no-frills DVR. That particular perfume will never enhance my pulse points. And how she loved it.

Another segment came on, more talking. A recipe for soup. I love recipes. They are one of my hobbies, collecting recipes--which I rarely use but this one I might have. It was for roasted red pepper soup.

"Good grief!" Phil said, drowning out her list of ingredients. "Those people are probably pearl divers. They never take a breath. They can go two, three minutes, maybe five. They could set records for non-breath taking. They just talk and talk and talk."

"Phil," I said, "this is a talk show."

He looked at me as if I failed Kindergarten. "They never stop," he said with a little voice.

I hit the mute button.

"Whew," he said. He hung his head as if in prayer. "This is so peaceful. So...." Words failed him. "Whoever invented the mute button deserves a reward. he was as smart as Einstein."

Notice how he assumed the mute button inventor was a man.

Right, I thought, the mute button inventor--right up there with Einstein.

As far as Phil is concerned, talk shows should be wordless, maybe they could be closed captioned. He'd be so happy.

Remind me to tell you how he thinks baby showers and wedding showers should be conducted. Interesting. Very interesting.