FOILED BY THE MISSING SOUP

I am trying to eat better--and eat less--so I can loose a pesky eight hundred and eighty-eight pounds--more or less--and not have to be have a wall of the house sawed off and then be have to be carried away on a flat bed truck.

I went to lunch at Applebee's with Gilmore Girl and Tuesday and ate too much or maybe just the wrong kinds of things. Bacon should not have been eaten by an eight hundred and eighty-eight pound housebound woman who has a flat bed truck and a chain saw on stand-by.

Bacon. Surely on the top of the "bad-for-you-food," list, followed closely by a mayonnaise sandwich--I have a cousin who says he loooves a good mayonnaise sandwich and a friend who said she does too, but she one up's him, she adds potato chips to hers. That girl knows how to par-tay.

But she has nothing on the creativity of Americans, bless their struggling artery clogged hearts. Here are some foods people actually eat:

Battered, deep fried Twinkies.


Bacon, cheddar cheeseburger sandwiched between two Krispy Kreme doughnuts. This actually has it's own name--a Luther Burger.



Chili cheese fries, topped with ranch dressing, just for fun.

Stuffed crust, double decker pizza with extra cheese and a variety of meats with nitrates. (Speaking of meats with nitrates we will NOT be mentioning J-Dawgs, no-sir-ee.)

Anything Guy Fieri--of "Diners, Drive-ins and Dives" on the Food Network, eats. I'm not kidding. The stuff he eats on that show would kill anyone. Today he ate a soup made of cow hooves and cow stomachs. Usually he eats concoctions of meat, cheese, cream, and gravy and it usually involves deep frying. Although I did see him eat a strawberry once. I have just a tiny little crush on him--don't tell. He's weird but he grows on you and he does so enjoy his deep fried, melty cheese, gravy covered food. I hope he doesn't die.

Soda followed by a drink that is even worse, diet soda.

Anything made with canola oil. Don't write me letters about this, I have my reasons.

Anything microwaved. Hey, did I say don't write me letters? Okay, you can write me letters. I love letters. I crave letters. Just don't say the words "canola oil" or "microwave oven" in them. Use words like, "cute" and "delightful" and "skinny." You don't have to be talking about me, just throw those words in as fillers.

So, today after the bacon-at-Applebee's-fiasco I was going to eat Kale and Bean Soup and a stack of carrots for dinner. Phil fixed leftovers for himself and then left for BYU to do some clerk stuff for the BYU Ward before Sunday. I was on the lawn swings, chatting with friends. When I came in to eat dinner there was only a tiny bit of soup left and Phil had left a hunk of leftover lasagna RIGHT OUT IN THE OPEN WHERE IT CALLED MY NAME. Disgusting, lasagna, calling my name like that. So, did I stick my fingers in my ears? No. I ate it. And many other things that were not on my list. And now I am sitting here with regrets.

Does that ever happen to you? Lasagna calls your name because the soup was all gone? There ought to be a law.

Wait. Did you hear that? It sounded like a chain saw and a flat bed truck, revving it's motor. Maybe if we're really, really quiet they won't know we're here.