Saturday, January 2, 2010


I haven't blogged in a long time. I haven't even looked at my dashboard so I don't know who else has blogged. I have been in a funk. Maybe it's the time of year. Maybe it's circumstances I'm dealing with. Maybe I am just so tired of this life, so tired of the struggle, the drama, the uncertainty that I didn't want it to rub off on anyone else.

I've been desperate for relief. My sister and brother-in-law gave me a blue light to help with the depression. I have sat in front of it three or four times in the morning. Today two angels came to my rescue. Colette and my daughter-in-law, Sharee.

Colette called me on the phone and we talked for a l-o-n-g time. She was concerned because I haven't blogged. I have never met Colette in real life. We email and I follow her blog. She has a kind and generous heart, not to mention a beautiful voice.

Sharee came over and did Reiki on me, bringing some relief. As much relief as the Rieki was the talk, she spent as much time as I needed. She reassured me and loved me and told me something that took a big chunk of my stress away. Angels, both of them, worrying about me, loving me, helping me.

I believe we are never actually alone. I believe we are always attended by someone, family, that has passed on. I really do believe this. I think Mom was here with me today (oh, how I miss my momma), but I can't crawl up on her lap like I did when I was five and tell her my worries and about my hurts. (For one thing, if she weren't dead already, my sitting on her lap would probably kill her. A little depression humor for ya'.) I would love to hear her say words of comfort and maybe even a timeline like, "This worry will be resolved in February, that one will be resolved in March." I don't know if our relatives have that information but if they did it would be so joyful to have a little reassurance.

Our last prophet, President Hinckley used to say something that everyone loved. He said, "Everything is going to be all right." He said this over and over. He was optimistic but he also had knowledge we don't. He said it, I believed it and yet what's the matter with me that I don't believe it enough to be comforted?

So, I'm blogging to just say I'm here. Healthy, except for the bad food I've practically inhaled over the holidays. I'm breathing in and out. I'm trying to be "up." Usually I can see the funny side of life and this will probably be funny, too, in a year.

I have a list I keep at the bottom of my personal history file. I call it: HOW TO COMBAT STRESS/DEPRESSION/HEARTACHE

I have 28 items on that list--or maybe 27 as I seem to have prayer listed twice. Tonight I am going to start with one of them and work my way through. I'm going to start with number 15: Journaling. Write the worst of it down. This is not necessarily a journal you will want anyone to ever read. There is something about writing it out that helps. It’s better if it’s hand written, there is something about physically moving the pen on paper that helps get rid of the fear, depression, sadness, etc. I’m not saying it’s foolproof but it does help.

And before that list are some quotes I've saved. These seem to be meant for me tonight. And Colette and Sharee were meant for me too. I honor both of them and am thankful they are in my life.

1. Be thankful that sometimes God lets you struggle for a long time before that answer comes. Your character will grow; your faith will increase. Richard G. Scott, “Using the Supernal Gift of Prayer,” Ensign, May 2007, 9 (Don't tell, but Elder Scott is my favorite apostle. I have loved every conference talk he has ever given, and when I see him I feel loved, even though I am watching him on TV.)

2. We should honor the Savior’s declaration to “be of good cheer.” Matthew 14:27; Mark 6:50; John 16:33. Jeffrey R. Holland, “The Tongue of Angels,” Ensign, May 2007, 18

3. This is my prayer for all of us. 'Lord, increase our faith.' Increase our faith to bridge the chasms of uncertainty and doubt. . . . Grant us faith to look beyond the problems of the moment to the miracles of the future. . . . Give us faith to do what is right and let the consequence follow. President Gordon B. Hinckley Panama City Panama Fireside, January 20, 1997.

So, I've got to hurry and journal all my worries because I need to get to bed at some kind of a reasonable hour because church starts at 9:00 am, as opposed to last year when it started at 1:00. That's enough to depress a night owl like me, isn't it? Wouldn't it be nice if that were all that's wrong with me?!


Julie Harward said...


Annette said...

I wish I could lift your burdens. Ease your heartache. Give you what you need so you can see beyond the fog of darkness. I guess what I can give you is encouragemt and hope that things will get better. We are promised that. In the meantime remember how loved you are by so many.

Mom2BJM(Amy) said...

**hugs **

Cindy said...

Wish I could just hug you, Lynne. I hope it helps to know that you aren't the only one in a "funk". My blog has been pretty empty too.

Have you thought about getting some professional help? I think that is important in depression.

I love Elder Scott too!! Whenever I listen to him, I think to myself, I wish he was my grandpa!! He would be such a kind loving grandparent.

TeamGornold said...

i love you lynne. you are always in my heart.

The Peterson Family said...

It's hard to dance in the rain when the rain feels like big chunks of hail - it leaves bruises!

But I know you can pull through this and that you'll be better for it when you do.

Know that we love you and that we're here - really - it does Cameron so much good to help others.

I'm so glad we got to stop by on Christmas - I've really miss your hugs and your wisdom and all the good feelings I get everytime I walk in your door.


Shar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shar said...

I had to delete my last comment because there was a typo. I can't handle a typo!

Take two:

I don't know what to say but wanted to say something because I love reading your blog and hearing how you're doing, even on hard days and at hard times. Maybe especially then.

Then I saw my word verification word: resst.

And I thought, "Rest. Sometimes that is what our souls need."

And then I found this:

2 Chr 14:7
"...because we have sought the Lord our God, we have sought him, and he hath given us rest on every side."

I am praying you will feel him give you rest on every side.

Julie Harward said...

Hi our R.S. lesson today, I thought of you. So, I'll pass this on to you. A quote from Pres. Benson.."to help us from being overcome by the devil's designs of despair, discouragement, depression and despondency, the Lord has provided at least a dozen ways which, if followed, will lift our spirits and send us on our way rejoicing." (Do not Despair) Ensign Nov. 1974
Repentance..Prayer..Service..Work..Health..Readind,,Blessing..Fasting..Friends and Family..Music..Endurance..Goals

And then this; There are times when you simply have to hang in until the depressive spirit leaves you. As the Lord told the Prophet Joseph Smith' "thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endureth it well, God shall exalt thee on high." D&C 121:7-8
Jesus Christ, while facing that supreme test of being temporarly left alone by our Father during the crucufixion, continued performing his labors for the children of men, and then shortly thereafter was glorified and received a fulness of joy. While you are going through trials you can reflect on the past and count your blessings. (I hope this is some how helpful)

Lorraine said...

I'm the flip of your coin, if it's not early it's not happening...take comfort in knowing you're not alone in your despair, I have found myself sitting at 2 am in a corner in the kitchen, in so much emotional agony that I cried for my mom like a desperate child. Sometimes the pain is too much, and we may never ever know why. My very, very best poem was written at such a time, in a old restaurant washroom, unable to leave. So i get you, I sure don't understand my life, but I do my best to live it, and if I fail, well hell's bell I gave it a very good try x write, write and then write again x I hug have no idea how much I wish I could take it away!

hillary said...

Stop IT. Stop being wonky. I am wonky enough for the both of us already.

! ! !

Did that make you feel better, or should I make the "fish noise"?

Karen Deborah said...

Me too been there and wallowing in it. I am too depressed too journal.
too bad we couldn't sit together and chat.