MEN DON'T GET IT

Yesterday we were both getting ready for church and of, course, I had misjudged how much I can get done in how much time--it takes me longer to fix things--like my face--so I don't scare small children and grown men don't faint at the sight, when Phil said, "Are you ready?"

"Almost," I said.

"How much 'almost more time' will it take you?"

I decided to shock him so I said, "I'm ready now!"

"Right," he said. "Do you have to get a drink of water? Put perfume on? Brush your teeth? Go to the bathroom? Paint your fingernails? Put your shoes on? Fuss with your hair one more time? Change your shoes because that pair looks better than this pair with that outfit? Put on your jewelry?"

So help me, I don't mean to put things off but some Sundays I look at my fingernails (as I'm practically going out the door) and there they are, one or two are chipped, even though the nail polish says, "Non chip." So I say, "wait just a minute," and I dash back in the house and dab fingernail polish on the offending nails and, honestly, it's things like this that drives Phil crazy.

Or I say, "Wait just a minute, I need a drink of water," or "I can't find my perfume." More crazy for poor Phil.

One day I went to church with eye makeup on only one eye, and I made him bring me home. He couldn't understand why. A man who can't understand why a woman wouldn't go anywhere with eye makeup on only one eye can't understand a lot of things.

I started to say, "Just a minute, I need to..." and then I looked at his smug face. I knew he wouldn't understand the need to remove the toenail polish that was smudged on my big toe. He knew I wasn't ready to go out the door, and he was baiting me.

So, I said, "I'm ready now," even though there was the big toe smudgy polish that needed to be removed, and I really needed a drink of water, and I didn't have perfume on yet, and I probably would have gone to the bathroom (because even the grandchildren know that is my rule: go to the bathroom before you leave the house!). If he didn't have that smug face I would have taken care of all those things and we would still have been on time for church.

As it was we were the fourth and fifth people there. The organist wasn't even playing the prelude music yet.

So, I visited with the second and third people there, and then, as other people came in, I visited with them too, and I just barely made it back to my seat before church officially started.

And my friends looked at my smudgy big toe and said, "there, there." Women really understood the truly important things in life and know that there are a an infinite number of things a woman has to do before leaving the house.

I don't think men will ever understand. And that's why men are so smug and yet they wear the same suit and tie 25 weeks out of the year and women are sometimes late for things, like church, but always have a different outfit on, with matching fingernail polish, and coordinating jewelry. And we smell good.

I AM NOT HIGH MAINTENANCE

I asked Phil if he would bring me a drink of water. He looked at me like he was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"What? I just want a glass of water."

He raised one eyebrow. Then he want to the sink.

"Wait," I said. "I want half filtered water and half cold water from the fridge."

"A-ha!" he said, "I thought so. You are as bad as your sister."

Now my sister is not bad, she's just particular. She brings her own water into restaurants and asks for an empty glass. If they bring it with ice she asks them to dump it out, "because you don't have filtered water so I bring my own."

I don't do that. I just want water that's not all the way cold because it's not real summer here in Utah yet. It's just almost summer. When it gets to be real summer I will want mostly cold water with just one fourth regular water. If it gets to be scorching summer I'll want all cold water.

"In fact," Phil said, interrupting my thoughts, "you are just like Goldilocks."

"I'm not like Goldilocks."

"Yes you are," he said. "Your level of comfort is about this big." He demonstrated a tiny space between his thumb and forefinger. "Everything--water, the temperature in the car, the amount of covers on your bed--everything has to be "just right."

I'll bet the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears was written by a husband.

PHIL'S (TIRED) FAMILY PRAYER

"Dear Heavenly Father,

"We're thankful for this day and for all the stuff I said in the dinner prayer."

I snorted.

Maybe Heavenly Father did too.

WHAT DOES A HUSBAND DO...?

Q. What does a husband do when he sits on the lawn swings, stands up, and finds his behind is very wet (because the lawn swing hadn't dried out completely from the last rain)?

A. He went into the house, plugged in my hair dryer and stuck it DOWN HIS PANTS!

Nice.

THE GREAT SLEEPOVER

These three were born only eight weeks apart. Last year I owed all of them a birthday present and so I hosted a sleepover. After dinner there was a treasure hunt. Oh, no! Not another clue, where is the treasure already?


At the end of the treasure hunt they found new books to read, odd socks and some treats.

Time to get the beds made and to test them out--very dramatically.

This lump is Willow. She's a willowy lump.
Liza in green.
Maddy o'the long pants.
These two are always up for some adventure at Grandma's house.
Willow is right there too, plotting fun things to do.
Like making faces when Grandma wants to take pictures.
These are three of my treasures. How I love them.

The odd socks.
Roughhousing.

Girls! Calm down!
Okay, we're calm, honest we are. See how angelic we are?
Yah, right!
Okay, it's really time for you to be asleep.
We are!
The next morning Lisa and Maddy learned how to make Swedish pancakes. Willow was having a wee melt down and went back to bed.
Then they wrote down the recipes to put in their new recipe boxes. Cherry cream cheese pie was one of the recipes, taco soup and, of course, Swedish pancakes.
These two waited until they were home to have a melt down. Even though I had warned them that there would be NO MELTDOWNS or their parents would NEVER, EVER let me host a sleepover again. They had meltdowns anyway. What's a Grandma to do?

SEVIER COUNTY, UTAH

I was at Personal History today. One of the women has ties to Monroe, where all us Annabella kids were bussed to school. Her grandparents, or great grandparents were some of the first settlers there. She was reading her memories of Monroe and told some of Monroe's history. Monroe and Annabella are in Sevier County.

Another member of personal history said, "When I was in college, I took a Church History class and the professor said, 'Boys, I know you are going to get married in the next few years. You should marry a girl from Sevier County.'"

I smiled, thinking what a fine recommendation this was for all us Annabella and Monroe girls.

Then she continued, "'No matter what happens,' he said, 'they've seen worse.'"

WE FORGET OUR PARENTS!

I talked in church last week--"Reaching out to others, cultivating friendships." Here are some of the topics I talked about:

• Personal History--I adore them all--they are my true friends
• Be a friend to your employer--never badmouth them, etc.
• Friendship through communication--all types--my faves: email and texting
  
• Visiting teaching--I gave four examples of really great women why I am privileged to visit and one of them is my visiting teaching partner
  
• Blog--I've met some precious friends here that I wouldn't have met any other way
  
• Service
• Be led by the Spirit
• Most important goal is to be a friend to the Savior
• Joseph Smith--"friendship is one of the grand fundamental principles of Mormonism."
• Prayer--a dear friend, who is experiencing some hard times told me, "I don't know what to pray for anymore." After thinking about it for a day I told her, "When you don't know what to pray for, pray for peace"--the Savior said to all of us: “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light” (Matt. 11:28–30).

And then I wrapped it all up and bore my testimony and sat down. Only today did I realize I forgot one of the most important friendships we can have on this earth--that of our parents.

I am who I am--good, bad, or indifferent, in large part because of my mother. I owe her more than is ever possible to pay back. I apologize to her, right here on this humble little blog.

I'm not the only one who has neglected gratitude for parents. A while back a couple spoke in Sacrament Meeting. They gave fabulous talks of gratitude and they forgot to mention their parents. One set of their parents have welcomed them back into their home to live while he goes to school. This will be for several years.

So, I'm not the only one. Why do we forget our parents?

It's a mistake and I'm sorry I made it.

HALLELUJAH!

Hallelujah! Blogger let me back in. I've been denied access to my own blog for over a week. I guess Blogger is over his--never her--tantrum.Yesterday I spoke in church on "reaching out to others and cultivating friendships." I am lucky to have such good friends. Some of them are you, reading this blog, which has been neglected for months and then, because it's been neglected, so have you. What have you:

1. been up to?


2. been photographing?


3. been cooking? Oh how I've missed what you've been cooking. Collecting recipes is my hobby, you know. Oh how Phil wishes that cooking what I collect would also be my hobby.


4. been making? You are so crafty, I'm not going to make what you make but I sure do like to see it and "ooh" and "aah" over it. You're amazing.


5. sorry if you've blogged about politics. I'll read what you've written but...that's it. I cannot allow that fuss to enter into my already overloaded brain. My mother said, "Don't borrow trouble, Lynne," and if I allow politics to fester in my brain, and there is nothing I can do about it, well, I will be troubled, unhappy, and cranky. People who are unhappy and troubled cannot give to others because, well, they are all wrapped up in their own miseries.

I have other things to worry about tonight. Please pray for my family, as I pray for yours. There is power in prayer.

If your heart is troubled go here and listen to this short message. It always makes me cry, but it is a good cry. The message is so encouraging.

I send my love to you and the knowledge that there is peace to be had. We just have to ask for it. Have faith and ask.

IT'S A UNIVERSAL LAW

I believe that there are a certain number of pounds to go around and when that gets tight the pound-gods issue more pounds, kind of like the government did, releasing new money. (And how did the government get the money into the system, I'm wondering. None of it showed up in my band account.)

Anyway, back to the pounds. My friend has lost eight. I've gained eight. As much as I'm thrilled with her loss--and I really am, I am not thrilled to see it show up on me.

If anyone knows how this works please let me know. It's one of the things that keep me awake in the dark of night.

While looking for a photo to go with this post I came upon this: "Fat people are harder to kidnap."

Now you can rest easy. Unless you've lost eight pounds, then you better be a good runner.

THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU

We FINALLY saw the adjustment bureau. I think ordinary folks get to live the life they want because we don't make big decisions that make big waves or even big ripples. How nice for us.

And also, I think the Adjustment Bureau was banned long ago, all one third of them, and I thinketh not that they want us to do the best, have the best, be the best.

At any rate, if they really wanted to make me a better person they would bring up that bit of floor every time I reached for a Hershey bar. After landing on my face a few times I might learn to ignore it. Too bad that doesn't happen. Kind of.

FREE CLEAN-OUT LABOR!

One day, after our Christmas family dinner, I started finding these notes: "Grandma, remember to have me come over in the summer and clean out. Love, Maddy." I found three of these, one was on the bathroom door, one was on a bag of leftover Christmas candy and one was in my church bag.

This was in the kitchen. How she got up there to write this I'll never know. I wonder if the "Love Maddy," was written as she was teetering off the edge of the sink. It looks kind of like it was written under some teetering-stress.

On the stove.See this hutch?
And this one? No one (in their right mind) needs two hutches but the second one belonged to my Aunt Dorothy, along with a Duncan Fhyfe table and I couldn't NOT take them when we cleaned her out apartment so many years ago. So, there they are, two hutches, stuffed to the brim and then some.I'm thinking that they would look good filled with books! What do you think? Then one of them could go into a bedroom. Right now Phil has two teetering stacks of books by the bed and I'm afraid that will bump into them in the dark-of-night and be trapped until morning.

Besides that, Lovely (Awesome) Lisa (see post here and her very own awesome blog here--her current post is on organizing papers--which multiply when not looking, I'm convinced) says we keep too much stuff. "Only keep things that are useful or beautiful that you really love," she says. But she allows herself a few unlimited things, lipsticks, music, shoes and books. So, if I'm going to be Lisa's humble follower I can have all the books I (and Phil, the great church book collector) want. Right?

Maddy has two cousins (we had three granddaughters within seven weeks one year) who I think would love to be co-conspirators in the great "clean out" of the summer. They are begging for another sleepover and this might be just one of the things we could do together. That and a midnight run to Wendy's*, just like Elizabeth and I used to do.

So, Maddy's clever tactic for a clean out may really happen. She's be so happy and so will I. I bet Lisa will come over and clap and cheer too, she's that kind of awesome.

*Shh. Don't tell their parents about the midnight run. The girls all had varying degrees of meltdowns after the first (sleep deprived) sleepover and I'm treading on thin ice suggesting a second one.

DO YOU EVER?

Do you ever have a thought cross your mind, kind of like, "Humm, I'll bet four extra large eggs are too many for this pie, even though the recipe says four eggs. I better only put in three, because after all, they are extra large?" And then the thought disappears, because you seem to be drafty, and then when the pie flows all over the place you remember.

Me too. And I'm taking this pie to Achievement Days tomorrow to show the girls one of the joys of Rhubarb Buttermilk Pie.

And not only that, the timer just went off, the pie has been in the oven an HOUR and the toothpick came out juicy.

I love it when I get to show the girls how not to do stuff. I'm nothing if I'm not a bad example. Everyone should have a bad example in their lives. It makes life bearable somehow, knowing you are superior to someone else.

I need to find someone who's worse at all things homemaking-ish than I am. Then life will be sweet. Like pie.

LOVELY LISA TELLS US HOW TO DO IT RIGHT

Tonight was a Relief Society mid week activity, Lovely Lisa told us how to get control of our homes, our clutter, or schedules, our paper--that multiplies every time the lights go out, our children and how to get them to clean the house really fast, and probably how to make pie crust, I'm not sure. But, she did tell us how to get organized and have a beautiful home. If I'm not mistaken it can be summarized in two points.

Point one: Just do it already.

Point two: Throw it out, you have too many already and don't need another one. Unless it's shoes. Every woman alive (and dead) knows that already, so really her instructions can be boiled down into those four words in point one: Putonsomelouddancemusicanddancethroughlife while cleaningreallyfast. Three words.

I would go to Lisa's class if she were naming the stars, not by names, just by number. She is not only joyously funny, she's also joyously efficient and joyously beautiful. That stops me right there. Anyone who is joyously beautiful, who's teeth give that diamond sparkle every time she smiles, who walk--if not actually on water--an inch or two below the surface just because she loves to kick the waves and it cools her off--although in Utah at this moment no one needs cooling off--we have another two feet of snow in the mountain and I am still wearing sweaters, luckily, because I seem to have put off The Diet--whatever that is--yet another week...anyway, anyone who is this sizzling perfect must, must, must have a flaw somewhere. I intend to find it and then I will say, "Well, at least I don't have that annoying freckle like Lisa!" Yup, that's what I intend to do. I'm pretty sure I've seen an annoying freckle on joyous Lisa.

Other than that, Girl of a thousand qualities, 999 of them perfect and that one annoying freckle, she is truly a peach of a girl and I love her.

Say what? That annoying freckle is a crumb of chocolate cake that adorable Margaret left behind (see second, third and tenth photo here) when she kissed her adorable mother?

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it, and maybe I'll dance to the music and maybe I'll clean really fast and maybe I'll throw twenty things out every day.

PS If you want a recap of all of Lisa's information it's on her blog, start with her March 16th post titled Practical Ideas to Cleaning (Try 'em out) and go forward.

PPS Looking at Lisa's blog I realize she's not so much adorable, but awesome--like Niagara Falls.

PPPS Her husband blogs here.

FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

My "job" in the church is to be one of the Achievement Day leaders for the 10-11 year old girls. This year I wanted to give them a recipe box, have some cooking classes, and basically--in the two years I have them--give them the favorite recipes of the women in the ward. By the time they leave Primary and go into Young Women's (at age 12) they would have a nice start on some basic recipes.

That was my plan.

I bought the recipe boxes.

I had a template of index tab cards printed, which they cut out and put in their boxes.

I copied about a dozen recipes and had the first cooking class, our favorite taco soup (which we timed and can be on the table in ten minutes).

Not until several weeks later did I realize their recipe boxes were 4x6 and I had made everything 3x5. And I only realized that because one of the girls said, "My recipes are too small for my box."

For crying out loud!

I have two options: I can quit and slink away in shame. I can re-do everything.

I decided to do both, slink around, being shameful, and give the girls all new index dividers and recipe cards. This shouldn't be more than several hours of work that I wouldn't have had to do if I ever, EVER IN MY LIFE, noticed the details.

This is my life. One blunder after another.

COMPUTER ALZHEIMER'S

When you don't want to blog and your computer is acting nicely you don't fret about the future. When you want to change your blog photo and post a blog with pictures and your computer--or Blogger, but I tend to vote for the computer--won't let you then you are frustrated.

I have to come to Phil's site/home/whateverthisis, because on mine I can't even pull up a web page, not even Google. Now we do have a new computer, sitting in the box but how two computer duffuses--would that be duffi?--are going to get it up and running I don't know. And, how will I retrieve my favorites/bookmarks? I will lose my people, my "I will buy this when I have money" sites, etc. In fact, how will I continue to breathe in and out w/out my memory? I have computer Alzheimer's .

Bah.

A LETTER TO JOSEPH

Dear Joseph,


First off I want to thank you for the handsome nutcracker you gave Grandpa and me for Christmas. He is the finest of them all. I will be sure to put your name on the bottom so--when we are not here any more--he will come back to you.As you can see, he is the most handsome of them all.The nutcracker Christmas Tree Ornament you painted for us is hanging right next to one of the White Santa's.
Now Joseph, I'll tell you a secret...I think the ornaments have parties after we go to bed. I hear tiny noises in my bedroom and I wonder if all the ornaments are having a good time. I think the White Santa has been whispering to the little Nutcracker stories of Christmases past.This is what the tree looks like when we go to bed. In the morning, sometimes an odd ornament or two seem to be in different places. Cool Moose is near the top, I think he whizzes down and gives rides in his handsome pink Cadillac.Baby Jesus is the star of the tree. We all know he is the reason we celebrate Christmas.
Here's another Baby Jesus ornament. He is watched over by The Candy Cane Kid.
A good friend brought me this ornament from Jerusalem. When all the fun and games are over each night, Joseph and Mary tell the story of Baby Jesus and how the star shinned in the night and the angels sang and the wise men came to see Baby Jesus. The angel told the shepherds where to find the baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.We have several Baby Jesus ornaments that look exactly the same because I love him so much. Here one of our gentle reindeer watch over him. Can you see the little glass bell, right next to Baby Jesus. I think I can hear all the bells tinkling and ringing in the night. There are all kinds of bells on the tree and they all sound different. If you bump into the tree it makes a tinkling sound. I think I hear that sound in my sleep. The bells are probably having ringing contests.

This little angel is one of the many we have on the tree. After we have gone to bed they have singing contests, I think. But, from what I hear from my bedroom, they all are beautiful singers. I would have to give them all blue ribbons.

This little ornament is 22 years old. It was Elizabeth's first ornament.

A Wise Man sits right next to a Mouse House.

One year your Aunt Hillary decided she didn't like this ornament that she picked out, I might add. So, I traded her. Ever since then the Merry-Go-Round has had fun spinning and playing music at night. Too bad for Aunt Hillary.Candy Canes are all over the tree. Houses too. I don't know what the Candy Canes and houses do at night but something, for sure.

This house has a lot of towers. Some of the houses on the tree have a hole in the back and when you put a tiny light inside the windows glow. Remind me to show you the next time you are here. There are birds all over the tree. You can see a few if you look closely.The little birds are as important as the big ones. They all sing.

The Eskimo's always have snow ball fights, I think.

The Snow Men probably even have snowball fights.The mouse in this little house have a squeaking good time.

This little "Jumping Jack" Dolly from Germany was given to Elizabeth along with a baby gift from a neighbor when Elizabeth was a brand new tiny baby. I saved it until Christmas and then I put her on the tree. So, actually, I guess this was her first ornament.

We have all kinds of balls. This one your Aunt Hillary and Uncle Taylor fought over one year and so they got different ornaments and I kept this one. Aunt Hillary was here today and she says she doesn't even like it any more and so I guess I will put Uncle Taylor's name on the bottom. Although, it seems Elizabeth may have a claim. She said she hid this ornament in her room for about ten years. I think those were ten lonely years for Snoopy and his Woodstock reindeer. Maybe even your Uncle Bentley and your Dad will decide this ornament really should be theirs. Who knows why this ornament has such charm. It's not my favorite. (Shhh. Don't tell Snoopy.)

This was Elizabeth's ornament this year. I thought it was very clever, with white beads inside the ball to represent Santa's beard. Elizabeth thinks I am lame. This ornament has the Salt Lake Temple inside. Remind me to tell you about the time I met a little old lady in the Salt Lake Temple. All the balls have races I think. Even the Salt Lake Temple one. He likes to have a good time too. No one really cares who wins, the fun is in the game.

This little lamb, who watches over another Baby Jesus sometimes joins the balls in races because he is made of a puffy white ball.This Santa has lost a ski. He manages fine without it and every year I find the ski in one of the ornament boxes but I never remember to give it to Santa.

We have more than one Candy Cane Kid. He overlooks bunches and bunches of "pencil" Santa's.

Your cousin, Kate, was here one day, helping me decorate the tree and she thought putting all the pencil Santa's together made a lot of sense. I think they visit all day, they are so close they can whisper when we are awake and we never hear them. At night I think they are like pole vaulters, jumping all over the place.

Mother Goose gives a ride to an elf and I think she zooms all over the living room. Grandpa and I both have a Mother Goose ornament and I think they have flying races. The cat jumping jack ornament has lost part of his "oomph." Maddy was here today and she pulled his string and only one arm went in the air. She called him the Disco Dancer. I think I will call him that too. He is one of the oldest ornaments on the tree.

Today was Mother Goose day. She brought Elizabeth a whole 5 pound tub of licorice. Honestly, what was Mother Goose thinking?

Christmas is officially over when Mother Goose comes, but our tree is still up and the house is still decorated and I want to sit in the darkened living room some more and look at all the lights and ornaments on the tree and think about why we have Christmas.

Your Daddy should have lots of ornaments that he got when he was a little boy and not such a little boy too. Are they hanging on your tree? I hope so. If not, they are in a box somewhere, whispering to each other and telling stories. Once they are packed away that is what they do. Tell stories to each other and laugh and have a good time all through the Spring, Summer, Fall and when Winter comes they know they will soon be on the tree. And when night comes...well, all I can say is I think they all have a good time.