Friday, May 22, 2009


Mrs. Bird called last night. I told her I needed another story and of course she obliged. I could hear her husband in the background, laughing his head off, saying things like, "Oh, dear, don't tell her that, oh my, hahahahaha."

For those of you not familiar with the anatomy of her house it's like this. The garage is on the bottom level. The laundry room/furnace room/storage room--which she calls "a scary place"--is down there. They have a couple of family rooms on that level, one of which is sometimes used as a bedroom. They have NO bathroom!

She comes in from the garage and almost always has been out way too long for her bladder's comfort. She dashes into the laundry room and pees in a cup. It used to be a mason jar but then she found The Training Table's plastic cups. They are big and flexible and as she says, "conform to any shape you need it to." So, now she uses one of those. There is no sink in the laundry/furnace/storage/scary room and she found out the floor drain does not go into the sewer, it drains into gravel under the foundation so there is no way she is emptying the Training Table cup there. She takes it upstairs, empties it in the toilet and then sanitizes it for her next emergency.

The other day she came home, barely made it to the laundry room, pulled down her pants and, well, you know. Then she took all her clothes off and put all her underwear in the washer along with all the whites that had come down the laundry chute. She looked at her tennis shoes and decided to soak her shoelaces in some bleach but she was out of bleach so she went to the garage to get an extra bottle. Oops, she thought, I'm naked, so she put her T-shirt back on and then went to the garage. She got the bleach, soaked her shoelaces and then dumped the bleach into the Training Table cup.

While she was in the garage she noticed some plants she wants Tom Cruise to plant for her. (His name isn't really Tom Cruise but she can't pronounce his first name so asked him if she could just call him Tom as his last name is Cruise. He, of course, is delighted.) (This is also how her stories go, when she is telling them to you, full of side stories.)

So, she took her training table cup full of it's concoction, thinking she would just dump it on the "hill." (The hill is uninhabited and full of weeds where feral cats mark their spot. She wondered if her concoction would change their minds.)

She gathered her plants in her other hand and went outside to put the plants where she wanted them planted and then and only then did she remember she was practically naked. She looked around, sheepishly, and backed slowly into the garage. She doesn't think anyone saw her, in just a T-shirt (Mrs, Bird is well endowed under her T-shirt so that's another reason she would have been interesting) but if they had they would just shake their head and say, "Crazy Mrs. Bird," in the most lovingly sort of way.

Mrs. Bird, my pant-less, underwear-less, bra-less friend. How I love her willingness to let me share all the bare facts with you.


Laura ~Peach~ said...

giggles... shes qquite the bird!

Jessica said...

Wow. For some reason, everyone is posting embarrassing stories. Mrs. Bird might win. If anyone saw her, then she definitely wins forever.

Plus also, I think that has happened to me in several nightmares.

Camille said...

There's NO way that story could be true! ... or could it? lol And if it is true--it tops all "most embarrassing moment" stories I have ever heard.

Shan said...

I will have to disagree with little Jessica and say that I belive Mrs. Bird only gets to win most embarassing if someone actually saw her no pantsness. I stood in a restaurant with no pants and plenty saw. Granted I had underware, but I don't want people seeing my underware either. Plus, also, I'm not so sure Hillyerie doesn't win with that Roo and her honest commentary on the world around her.

Shawn said...

Oh, dear, I am afraid that this will be what I am like----as I forget to get my underwear out of the dryer and go down stairs to get them---nakey, nakey!

SuperCoolMom said...

Oh my heavens! That is hYsTERicAl! I can sooooo relate.

Karen Deborah said...

A woman after my own heart. Ah to live in a remote enough place to be able to forget your pants!

I do believe an out house would be my requirement for the yard!

A woman can only handle so much.

Great story true or not.

hillary said...

PEOPLE. I know it is "Lynne's somewhat invented life" but Mrs Bird IS that CooKOO. You just have to meet her.

tierneyzan said...

What a kind and delightful friend to give you such juicy stuff for your blog. I know exactly what the Training Table cups look like, and it's not a bad emergency cup. Very cute and silly story. Please ask Mrs. Bird if you can post her picture (with pants) so we can have a face to go with the stories.

Bonnie said...

Unbelievably humorous story--every neighborhood needs a Mrs. Bird.
Thanks for the humor.

Astromom said...

I don't think I know Mrs Bird, I can't think who it would be. Very funny I read with fascinated horror, but laughed in the end, don't we all have these sorts of moments and hope no one witnesses.