Friday, November 14, 2008

THERE WILL BE NO FUNERAL POTATOES AT THE AFTER-FUNERAL-LUNCHEON

Tonight we went for a walk and I said we should stop and see a friend who's husband died two days ago. Phil said we shouldn't because he hadn't showered and I had garlic breath.

"Nonsense!," I said, breathing in his direction. He staggered in a daze and I took him by the hand--temporary blindness from the fumes--and before he knew it were were there.

I got an assignment. Please bring some food to the luncheon after the burial so she and some other family members can have something to eat. It can have no ham, no wheat, no sugar, no potatoes.... NO POTATOES? What about the famous Mormon funeral potatoes? I guess that's out. And some family members are vegan or at least used to be. I don't know what their status is now.

"I can make some roasted vegetables," I said, "They are wonderful."

"Oh," she said with just the barest hint of disappointment, "we make them all the time," Translation: Don't make those, please. Or maybe my translation filter is on the blink.

"Beans," she said, "some kind of chili would work but no wheat."

Wheat? In chili? And chili for a luncheon? It was my turn to stagger.

"You can figure something out," she said. "You're such a good cook."

I can't, I thought. I really can't.

So, now I am home, with my garlic breath, looking up recipes on the Internet for sugarless, wheatless, hamless, potatoless and honestly, there were two other restrictions in there somewhere. What were they, I wonder? Oh yes, one was dairy. No dairy of any kind. So the caramels really would have killed her with three kinds of sugar and two kinds of dairy. And no corn. That was the other thing. No corn and if those family members are still vegan it will be no meat, too.

I'm going to need some inspiration. I'm off to search the Internet for recipes with practically no food products in them. Wish me luck.

PS I've been looking for an hour now and I think I can do this. Found some great sounding recipes on Veggies Unite. Mmm.

6 comments:

Shawn said...

Hey girl,
I have a veggie cookbook, if that would help...(my husband is vegetarian---crazy, I know)

I make a great black bean soup with sweet potatoes---its actually really delicious! Let me know---

swaneesinger@gmail.com

Good luck!

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Hi Shawn, Funny thing is, we were vegan for about six years! You'd think this wouldn't panic me so much. I'd LOVE the soup recipe. plsnyder3 at comcast dot net. I LOVE soups of all kind. I am a freezing beast all winter so soups are like necter of the Gods for me. Thanks for your help.

Karen Deborah said...

Sorry Lynne I'm reading on down the line and now I understand the no potatoes deal. Makes me wonder why he died. sorry. Anyway if this problem ever comes up again
Hallelujah Acres- George Malkmus has a whole life style "raw cooking" is that for real? anyway they have good recipes and it sounds like you did well. the GARLIC BREATH must have been inspirational.

N7GMT said...

So, The Pioneer Woman Cooks!" would have been right out, eh? Oh well.

I guess it was a good thing you were Vegan for so long … ;-)

My buddy Mark has a great Moroccan dish that might fit the bill, but I don't remember if couscous is wheat. He's bringing it to our group Christmas party — by popular request (demand).

Lynne's Somewhat Invented Life said...

Kraut, I would love the Moroccan recipe! Send quick.

Celestia said...

OK, I plead guilty. I am the one who suggested that my mother-in-law (the grieving widow in the story) ask you, famous gourmet vegan cook of the Edgemont Sixth Ward, to cook something besides funeral potatoes. You are being far too modest. You are a GREAT cook and I knew we could count on you. We are not vegan anymore either but I know I feel better if I eat something besides funeral potatoes, even though I do love them. You have won the record for creating the first Mormon funeral luncheon without funeral potatoes! congratulations, that salad was divine!