Saturday, September 27, 2008

THE ANATOMY OF A MURDER

Men shower, shave, get dressed and are ready to go.

Women shower, shaves legs and arm pits, blow dries hair, curls hair, puts on moisturizer, cover-up and make-up AFTER diligently surveying the face to see if there is a stray hair that needs to be plucked, pumices her feet and then lotions her feet, lotions many other parts of the anatomy such as legs, paints the toe nails, clips, files and paints the fingernails, checks face again to make sure the eyebrows don't need plucking and then gets the magnifying glass out to survey the chin, once again, just in case, puts on pantyhose, takes pantyhose off because there is a tiny run starting, throws pantyhose in the garbage and makes a disgusted noise in the back of her throat, checks the underwear drawer for a new pair of pantyhose, finding none she throws on some clothes, goes to the store and buys some, comes home, get undressed, puts the pantyhose on, finishes dressing, crams her feet into uncomfortable shoes--are there ANY shoe that is truly comfortable...other than sandals or tennis shoes?, puts on some perfume, rechecks hair and fixes the stray lock--this is after either bleaching or dyeing or highlighting, perming or straightening her hair and having to have it cut and styled every four to six weeks--stands in front of the mirror, sucks in her stomach and thinks, I went through nine months of pregnancy, eighteen hours of labor and when they are teenagers they will ignore me or blatently rebel and all I'll have to show for it is this pouchy tummy and why isn't there a bra that is comfortable and will put the girls back where they used to be, that's all I want to know?, she makes sure the sitter has snacks and that the kids are bathed and in jammies and that the sitter has strict instructions that the kids are to be in bed on time, all the while knowing that when she gets home the kids will be up and wild as March hares because the sitter found the gummy worms that were hidden behind the saltine crackers and bribed the kids so she could watch The Office and talk on her cell phone, and the house will look like a bomb went off, all the couch cushions will be on the floor except for the one that is missing and won't be found until the shower is turned on in the morning and it is soaking wet, and then...when she is finally ready her husband says, "Why can't you ever be ready on time?"

And that is why rat poison has such brisk sales.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

And where do you buy it?

Shawn said...

Good point... :)

Shawn said...

Hey, me again----I have to sign into another account to have this me making comments. I am starting to feel like I have a twin, or a split personality.

Well, I DO talk to myself all the time. Hmmm.

Don Juan said...

Rat poison? I thought I just had the flu.

Tierney said...

Oh, Lynne, this is so lovely! It is so true. Often after getting ready to go I just want to go to bed rather than where I was going in the first place. I have often wished that all humans were bald and had hooves. Then even supermodels would be bald with hooves, and we'd be none the wiser. I LOVED this.

Tierney

Laura ~Peach~ said...

excellent point!

Cindy said...

Oh, Lynne, have you heard Brad Paisley's song, "Waitin' on a Woman"? You can google it, if you haven't. It's the sweetest song and the video with Andy Griffith is so touching. You definitely would NOT want to give him rat poison. This was a man who understood!!

tearese said...

pretty funny...but I make it a point to never buy uncomfortable shoes.

Pam's Place said...

Wow! Eight comments -- I'd say you struck a chord, or two, or three.

Hilarious. Because it is true.

Mom2BJM(Amy) said...

you.are.good. wait... great!