Sunday, September 14, 2008


I had a friend in high school who was absolutely hysterical. He was also brilliant. One day, he was turned around in his seat, talking to me, reading my book--upside down--and talking to me about the book and extracurricular activities he was planning for the week-end. Just then, the teacher, being peeved as teachers so often are, said, "Brent, what did I just say?" I had no idea what the teacher just said. I hardly knew we were in a class at all. I knew Brent was going to get in trouble and I would go down with him. But Brent did know what the teacher was talking about. He repeated the teacher's words back to him, verbatim.

Brent grew up, served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in France--so he could now also talk in French while doing three other things--finished college and got a job in Washington D.C. It figures.

One day I will publish all his mortuary letters I got in the mail--one with a live spider inside--advertising his morbid services. He was a good friend, sending interesting things in the mail to shock and delight me.

Anyway, after high school I lost track of Brent. I have grieved over this countless times. And then one day I got a phone call from another high school friend telling me Brent had died! I am still brokenhearted. Until yesterday when I received an email that I'm sure Brent is behind--he just has to be. Maybe, like Elvis, he is living somewhere, incognito. Maybe in Hermosillo, Mexico. Or maybe he was looking over the shoulder of the author of the email, saying, "Oh, that's a good one." Whether he was or not, this email delighted me and gave me a good laugh. I hope it gives you the same.

Before you read, please do so with lightheartedness. There is no prejudice here, this is meant to be entertaining. No cats, rats or Mexican gentlemen were hurt in the writing of this email. Here it is:

I know you are always interested in looking for opportunities for investment.

I don’t know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real “sleeper” in making a lot of money with very little investment.

A group of us are considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our purpose to start rather small, with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about 20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents for the black. This will give us 12 million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3,000,000 a year. This really averages out to $10 thousand a day – excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take 663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If we start with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this that this business is a clean operation, self-supporting and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you are interested; as you can imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a year! This will save the labor costs of skinning as well as give us two skins for one cat.

May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity with a certified check to my order.

Very truly yours,


Anonymous said...

I'm in 100%. Where do I sign up? And whom do I make the check out to? Too funny. yfc

Mildred said...

Go public. Sell shares.

Shawn said...

So sick and wrong, but definitely on my list of great black comedy!

Sounds a bit like the Far Side---remember him? Same type of brilliant mind.

Heh, heh, EEEEWWWWWWW!!!!

Shawn said...

Oh...forgot to say "sorry" for your friend. :( I hope he is still alive.

Its weird when you lose a high school friend that was so important in your life while growing up.

I lost a really dear friend from my first year in college to cancer. I had been trying to find out where she was, and found that she had passed on...

It was sad that I never got to say goodbye...

Laura ~Peach~ said...

Brent sounds like he always has something in mind! I hope he is alive and count me in on the cat venture ITs halirious!
Happy sunday Laura

Tierney said...

Hmm. I think perhaps I should go wake Jason so we can discuss this excellent opportunity right now, before it is too late! A cat coat sounds yummy. Would a stripey one be expensive? I notice they don't state the price for stripey skins.