Saturday, August 29, 2009

I SAW THE BAG LADY AND IT WAS ME


Today, I was in American Fork at 3:00 o'clock. I hadn't eaten any lunch--or any breakfast either--so I stopped at Wendy's and get a ninety-nine cent hamburger and fries.

After eating I rummaged in my purse to see if I could find a wet-wipe as I wanted to go to Trent and Michelle's and see the kids. One should always go tidy. By now I was driving. I know, rummaging in the purse while driving is a no-no.

Instead of a wet-wipe I found a melty-chocolate-mint-truffle bar. Now you know I couldn't let a melty-chocolate-mint-truffle bar sit there, melting, alone and lonely in it's goodness. So, with my teeth-as-tools I tore off a tiny corner and squished the melty goodness in my mouth. What I didn't know is that the other end of the bar had it's own tiny hole, squishing the melty goodness onto my shirt.

I turned the radio down with the hand that was holding the truffle bar, depositing melty goodness on the console and my WHITE, NEWLY IRONED pants. I noticed not, because I'm driving, giving 90% of my attention to the road and 10% to the melty goodness.

More tastes of melty goodness. More dripping on the shirt. More dripping everywhere.

I got to the turn for Trent and Michelle's and looked down. HOLY MOLEY. What is that? Melty goodness ALL OVER THE PLACE.

I found the wet-wipe and wiped the chocolate off. Translate: smeared the melty goodness all over the dang place. Still driving, yes, I know. Five wet-wipes later I looked like a woman who sleeps in a dumpster.

I didn't go to Trent and Michelle's. I didn't see the kids. How could I let them see they have a derelict grandmother? I did come home and washed my shirt and pants and then I read the calories on the back of the wrapper. 306. Well, at least I only ate 153 of them. The rest made the biggest mess I have ever seen.

Here is the evidence. See the tiny tear on the left hand side? See how neat it is? And look on the right hand side. See the goopy, melty goodness?That was it's sneaky exit point--all 153 calories. That's the one bright side to this story--calories not eaten. And I got a blog out of it. A boring blog, but hey, when you are boring, looking like a walking dumpster gets reported. I'm just sorry I forgot to take a picture of my clothes.

PS Blogger does not think "Melty" is a word. Eleven times it didn't recognize it. I may have overkilled the "melty goodness." (Twelve.)

14 comments:

Lorraine said...

I'm all for melty goodness, did I tell you i adore truffles, I'd gladly well semi-gladly well I'd ignore the stain on my pants well, not without grumbling a little...I love your post, I may not know you that well or well, but Iknow one thing, you are one hell of an hilariously funny lady, and you write like a pro. Yeah, I have no life.

Shan said...

That very same thing happened to my friend, Laurie on her way to my house. Only it was a Snicker's bar. Plus, also, she was pretty PMSsy and bawling by the time she got to me because she was wearing a nice skirt and white shirt that she was sad to see ruined because it was her favorite. Lucky for her I know about the Tide-To-Go pen and I fixed her lickity split. I think Tide should consider that for a commercial and pay me lots of money for the idea.

Laura ~Peach~ said...

i so love it... and this is why i only keep m&m's in my purse lol

Laura ~Peach~ said...

and.... melty is a word when used in the context of chocolate :)

Noah Webster said...

Well if you think about it, every word in the dictionary started with one person saying it. That is why language is like a living thing and changed and adapts to the ways of the world. Colette Amelia made up the word "conflictatory" and I think it is so good that the OED should add it right now.

Michael Rawluk said...

It is a good thing you don't have a cell phone. You would be texting while driving. Oops, 'texting' is not a real word.

ps You don't have a cell phone, do you?

Cindy said...

Lynn, you are never never boring!!


p.s. my word verification is "liker" as in I liker (like her) blog.

Cindy said...

Oops, I mispelled your name. I also misspelled misspelled. Sorry.

Cheryl said...

Oh my gosh!! You need a video going in the car while driving to capture momentw like these! But this is a clear example of how only women can multi-task that's for sure....you are a riot! I will tell you these are my very favorite candy bar (not the mint ones)I prefer the plain choc or the ones with almonds! Put them in the frig...they are good that way.
Love you, Cheryl

hillary said...

My favorite of all the words was the "teeth-for-tools" one. Someone very smart for her first grade self must have taught you that. Too bad you don't mind, cuz you would have had clean clothes.

If "bootilicious" can be in the dictionary than "melty" can certainly be a word. I am not one to judge.

Annette said...

Are you sure it was you and not me with the "melty" all over! I seem to remember several such circumstances, and it's always when I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm sneaking chocolate. There's probably a lesson in there somewhere.

Meg McGraw said...

Those are some of the best chocolates around here. we should sit on your lawn chairs and have one or two each and solve the worlds problems that way. We should actually send a box to congress and tell them to try it that way.

Shawn said...

Oh, you made me laugh with this one---I could just visualize it and be there! I have done similar things myself---so it was even funnier! (is that a word?) heh, heh.

Kathy said...

This was very funny, but I am sorry that happened to you. This weekend we went to the State Fair and I noticed I was wearing a very obviously inside out blouse. Are we related?